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Grief Sucks

Jacob and I have been blown and battered around in this last year.

With his multiple surgeries to fix problems with his feet, that caused some isolation issues for him (he had barely any friends come to see him/play with him at all :-/).  My aunt (his primary [live-in] babysitter) died 2 WEEKS (to the day) before his birthday.   And my mom died 8 MONTHS (to the day) after my aunt.

Needless to day, his complete meltdown on Thursday was NOT unexpected (but clearly long overdue).  Obviously, I melted down right along with him.

I made it my mission to get him help (he literally asked for it.  Nearly begged).  At first, he just wanted to talk to me.  I have no issues with that, but with the grief we’re both feeling, I felt I was ill-equiped to help him the way I should.  So I enlisted the help of his school guidance counselor and have called an outside agency for counseling.  I feel like I waited too long (since my aunt died in February), but was told that most kids aren’t “ready” to discuss grief until many months later.  It’s quite possible he would have held on a few more months if my mom hadn’t just died.

Sucky, sucky year.

Our emotional well-being isn’t the only thing suffering.  I’ve now got physical symptoms, wrenched my back last week and could barely walk, so add that NO bereavement time and near crippling pain, I was a gimping wreck…home and at work…no wonder the kid lost it.  He was so afraid that I was going to get sick and die or leave him or just not be me. 😦

And I’m NOT me.  My house has gone to shit.  I’ve never been a “neat freak”, but I am an organizational junkie and WAS keeping the house fairly clean (if still cluttered).  I’ve lost weight, which needs to be done, but I haven’t been going about it in a healthy way (I’m just not hungry, so I don’t eat.  Yes, I know that’s a sign of depression as is the disasterous state of my house, which is why *I* will be getting help to.  I can’t help my son, if I’m not me.  And that’s just completely unacceptable).

Jacob has an appointment to start counseling on Wednesday (provided his father signs and faxes all the paperwork…sigh, custody crap is a pain in the ass).  I *think* I can start counseling at the same center, but want to get Jacob started first.

I will be calling my regular doctor to schedule a routine check up.  Start from the ground up.

I have been going to a chiropractor, since I threw my back out.  I can walk now, with almost no pain.  But going from sitting to standing  still causes me issues.

I’ve made a meal plan for today (just took something out of the freezer, but it’s a start).

Been trying to fill out the calendar with appointments and assignments.

Need to file some bills (to be paid/paid)

Laundry is caught up

I think we’ve both finally caught up with sleep (I pretty much slept the whole weekend, thank goodness he was with his dad…but even Jake has had sleeping issues.  So, even though I have ZERO time to take, we both stayed home today.  I probably should have done it last week, but I feel guilty taking the time off, even when it’s needed.  I’m an idiot.

There’s more that needs to be done.  Here.  Work and at my mother’s.

I’m not ready to go there yet.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be, but it has to be done.  So I will put on my big girl panties and deal.

I’m still scattered, and having a hard time figuring out where to start.  I’ve had that issue for a LONG time…but it has to stop.

I will make my lists, create my binders and put myself on autopilot until I can *think* again.

I’m happy that I’ve got Jake started down the right road. 

And for now, that has to be enough.

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