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Archive for the ‘Jake’ Category

On The Road To A New Me (and a new Jake!)

Started walking with The Spider Whisperer again.  We used to walk in the evenings, every evening, for about an hour or so.  We stopped shortly before my mom died and with all the stress, grief and hellidays, we’re just now getting back to it.

It’s still early, so we’re not sure if we’ll get in EVERY day, but we’ll try.  The last two nights consisted of us going to CVS for prescriptions (first me; then the next day, her).

It’s supposed to rain tonight, but as long as it isn’t uber cold and heavy, we’ll still walk.  It nice to get out of the house (I’m a hermit) and have grown-up girl talk.  We can bitch about our kids, relationships, womanly woes and whatever else we feel like.  It gets a nice, low-impact work-out in and does wonders for the mental health (and I will admit, I’ve slept better the last two days – although, I still wake up super tired, but at least I’m sleeping LONGER before I get up).

My goals for the year are:

  • to lose some weight (I’m not going to constrain myself to a certain number.  As long as it goes down, I’ll be happy);
  • get some more definition (I’d like to stop jiggling as much LOL);
  • be nicer to me (i.e., give a shit);
  • eat healthier (I’m sure I’d feel better and look better if I was a bit more diligent with my eating habits and menu planning);
  • beat my finances into submission (which means losing my wallet);
  • pick a few small items in my house to improve (downstairs bathroom, basement, laundry room);
  • really work out my routines and get back control (a must for the OCD part of my brain);
  • get Jacob into healthier routines (his routines are shot to hell, need fixing);
  • CRAFT AGAIN (and more often; and post on CM regularly)

I’m sure I’ll come up with more, but this is a good start.

As for Jacob, he got spacers in last night, so next Tuesday, he will be getting his bottom braces!  Obviously, he’s not uber excited about this, but I’m ecstatic!  Being a child who had awful, awful teeth and couldn’t afford braces (and had/has SERIOUS body image/confidence issues), I’m so happy to be able to give him this.  He’s a handsome young man and now he will have an even more beautiful smile.  I had to wait 35+ years for mine, he should have his by, I’m guessing, Christmas (next June at the latest).

I love his metal smile.  I can’t help but smile myself.

He’s just so dang cute! 🙂

Shopping Frenzy

I went on a shopping frenzy last night!  For those of you new here, I HATE shopping.  I don’t like wandering around the store trying to find what I came in for; can’t stand crowds; hate standing in line…I just hate everything about it.

BUT we had to return the Widget’s video game to Target (his Aunt got him the same game for xmas, so we took the one I got back).  Got him a gift card and he RAN off to find more baseball cards to buy.  I wandered back to the xmas clearance section, looking for a specific type of garland.  No love 😦  But, while wandering (I do love me the office supplies section), I found a metal filing bin so I can do THIS:

 

from Controling My Chaos

So far, I’ve only got the bin.  Gotta find/modify hanging folders and then decide on a place to put it.  I’ve got all kinds of ideas for my living room, so we’ll see where this winds up.

After Target, we headed over to Staples because I needed a couple of new binders (actually, just bigger binders).  I love these binders.  They’re pretty (colors) and durable (love the rubberized spine and edges).  I use them as “control journals” for home and work.  The work one is new this year.  I used to use this binder, but it started to drive me nuts.  Now I only use that kind for my finances at home (yes, I am a binder junkie…).  Also got some binder tabs and wet erase markers (I laminate pages and use them over and over).

[sorry, wanted to post pics of the binders, but my computer is having a brain-fart, you’ll have to click the links instead].

After Staples, we hit Acme so we could get some cereal and crap.  Nothing we really needed (well, maybe the milk), but the hope is to get the Widget to eat breakfast before school.  So far, so good (meaning he ate this morning).

AND the Widget went back to school today.  Hopefully coughing will be at a minimum.  He’s probably gonna have a shitload of homework tonight.  He better get it all done!  We’re supposed to make Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies tonight!

New Year; New Me

I totally hosed the whole blog-every-day thing in the last few days of December.  BUT, I have a valid reason. My son was sick. I mean, sick, sick. We went to the doctor TWICE, that’s how sick.  Started off with the flu (high fever, body aches and cough) and then moved straight to walking pneumonia.  Awesome.

NOT

He ran the fever from Wednesday night (102.9) until Monday evening (100.7).  Now, before you try to tell me that 100.7 isn’t really a fever, keep in mind his “normal” is 97.5, so 100.7 is a glassy-eyed fever for him (hell, 99.5 is a glassy-eyed fever for him).  102.9 had him panicked and freezing.  (Hell, *I* was panicked!  I hate fevers :-/)

Anyway, I’ve been busy playing nurse to my sometimes-whiney 12-year old.  I did have time to do laundry (because you don’t have to babysit that); dishes; some Studio de-cluttering (while the Widget slept).  I even cleaned my effin fridge.  (you know, the pull out the shelves and drawers and WASH THEM kind of clean…think I was a tad germ-phobic???)

My ADD and OCD are having a great time with my suddenly manic cleaning frenzy.  My ADD has me bouncing from room to room (because let’s face it, cleaning is BORING!) and my OCD has me organizing/categorizing over and over (because there’s a better way to do it or “ooh, look what this person did, I like it, gotta try it!”) 

I’m mental, get used to it.

I’m TRYING to get my shit together this year.  Which is adding to my manic cleaning frenzy.  Would you believe I CLEANED all FOUR litterboxes?  Seriously cleaned.  It’s a sickness, man!  Seriously, I think I’m cleaning demented.  LOL

I want to do all the normal resolution crap.  Eat better.  Exercise more.  Stop worrying about stupid shit.  Finish what I start (I’m REALLY bad at that one).  Cut down on TV (my brother needs to STOP introducing me to new shows!).  ASK for help when I need it, rather than hurting myself first and THEN asking.  Spend more time with Booger Brain.  MAKE more time for Booger Brain…and myself!  Start giving a shit about ME again.  (I actually did my hair AND make-up today, go me!)

I’m still not “dressing” for work.  I work on gas turbine engines.  NOT conducive to “business attire”.  And there is NO FUCKING WAY I’m wearing a dress.  I *hate* them!  Can you imagine working on an engine, ass in the air, with a skirt on?!  LMAO.  Um, no.  Yoga pants, t-shirts and hoodies work for me.  I can be comfy and still look good, right?! 

Just agree with me, makes life easier 😉

So, there ya go.  Quick update.  Obviously, I’m not going to limit myself with my daily blog topics.  They got seriously boring.  While I do need direction at times, my short attention span does NOT like “same shit, over and over and over”.

Stay tuned…I may get funnier…and more frequent!

(don’t hold your breath…you’ll turn blue, and while Smurfs may be “in” right now, blue is not really a good color if you’re over “four apples high”)

02 – Things To Improve

Oy, this list could be QUITE long…

I need to improve my work-ethic.  It has nothing to do with my actual job and more to do with avoidance of what’s been going on in my personal life.  MUST.  STOP.

I need to improve my appearance.  That can be taken in a number of ways, and probably every way you’re thinking.  My weight, my hair (although, I just dyed it again), my clothing (I dress like a comfy slob)…maybe start wearing make-up again.  I’m working on it, just slowly…

I need to improve my energy levels.  I’m ALWAYS. EFFIN. TIRED.  I’ve started taking a vitamin (with Iron), but I think most of my problem is sleep.  Can’t fall asleep.  Can’t stay asleep.

I need to improve my finances.  Since my mother’s death, I don’t think I’ve paid a bill (at least, none that I actually had to write a check for, thank goodness for automatic withdrawals).  I need to get a better handle on what’s coming in and what’s going out.  Along those lines…

I need to improve my food purchases.  As in, STOP going out to eat.  Cook at home more.  I *like* to cook (I just don’t like to clean up afterward).  I *will* get better at this…

I need to improve my relationship with Jake.  Not that’s it’s bad, but it *has* been suffering since mom’s death.  To be honest, it probably started a while before that, but has certainly come to a head since.  I took the day off yesterday to work on plans for my mother’s Memorial Service, but I also made sure to schedule and spend some time with Jake.  We went out to breakfast together and did a little shopping.  It was nice. 🙂

I need to improve my “lack of faith”.  No, I’m not planning a “come to Jesus” revival.  I plan to start pulling out my craft books and reading them and starting to practice again.  I need to feel empowered again, and I’m the only one who can do that for me.

I need to improve my home.  It’s a disaster.  Cluttered, messy, dirty, broken.  So much to be done; and in typical DW form, I don’t know where to start, so I do…NOTHING.  Enter FlyLady.  And babysteps.  I’m working on creating, or more specifically, REcreating my Control Journal.  I’m even going to start with just hand-written notes!  *gasp*  I know!  ME…actually starting with a rough draft!  Will wonders never cease?

I need to improve my friendships.  Again, with my need to withdrawal when I’m overwhelmed, in pain, etc., I’ve let friendships twist.  I know most of them understand, but I still feel bad.  I need to initiate more and cancel less.

I should probably have discussed my plans to improve these, but it’s too much work to go back and do that now.  So, I will re-cap next month, to add-in what I’ve done to improve and then expand upon my list.  Eventually, we’ll see things drop off…at least, that’s the plan.

Holding Pattern

Everything’s in a holding pattern.

Just received my mother’s ashes yesterday (her birthday, can you smell the irony?)

Called and scheduled the memorial service.  And not 30 mins later, my sister wants me to call and try to REschedule it, because 10 am is too early.

Um, excuse me?

I don’t fucking care!  People have distance to travel.  Too fucking bad.  I just want this over.  I want closure. 

I want to fucking grieve already.  Everyone else can go to hell.

I haven’t been able to cry because it upsets my son.

However, he keeps making comments that he never sees me “really smile” anymore.

Well, it’s kinda hard! 

I don’t WANT to cry.

I don’t WANT to hurt.

I don’t WANT to do any-fucking-thing.

And we haven’t even STARTED going through her house/estate. 

It’s hard to work, schedule [school] activities AND do all this.

My sister pretty much lost her job because of it.  I keep losing pay, because I have to take time off without pay.  But my brothers, both of whom do not work outside the home, do next to nothing.  My one brother’s WIFE has been helping us…and they have a 2 year old! (and SHE works outside of the home)…

I’m getting pissier and pissier the more time goes by.  And that’s SO disrespectful to my mother’s memory.

And I’m not even sure how to task out everything or break it down.

Obviously, I need help and I’ve “scheduled it”.

Now, to just make it that far…

Touched By An Angel

***WARNING: This is a long, convoluted post, but there IS a point, so bear with me***

Jacob is a military junkie.  Specifically, WWII.  Seriously, one of the maybe 5 channels he watches on TV is the Military History Channel.  Anything on WWII and the war in Iraq. 

It’s a bit of an obsession.

For MONTHS he’s been begging me to let him see the move Flags of Our Fathers.  I’m not adverse to it, per-se, but it IS emotional and gory, and well, it’s a war movie.  BUT the kid has a zombie obsession at the moment too, and I don’t think there’s much more gory than a zombie munch-fest, so I’ve been telling him that we’ll watch the movie “next Mommy  & Jacob Night”. 

Well…we’ve had SEVERAL M&JNs and still haven’t watched the movie.  We were actually going to watch it this past M&JN but it wasn’t on demand!  How rude!

Coincidentally, this was the same night he had his emotional breakdown that sent us both into a mini tailspin.

Friday he went to school (because he needed to be surrounded by friends) and I went to work, because I’m a masochist and who doesn’t like being at work when their world’s falling apart?

Seriously, I went to get some work crap done, but to mainly use the telephone.  I started early and I started with Jake’s school counselor and his pediatrician.  I used the internet to do a therapy search, to have a list of therapists covered by my insurance.  But what I really wanted was Jake’s counselor to call me back.  To be honest, I wasn’t all that thrilled with her at the beginning of last year, but she really, really outdid herself with all of Jake’s post-surgical issues and his placements for this school year, so I *REALLY* wanted her help with Jake on this.

I basically stalked the poor woman.  Called, emailed, called again, had people look for her.

We FINALLY connected and I was able to get an appointment that day.  I flew out of the office (notifying my “chain of command” as to what was up, that I was leaving and kiss my ass…thankfully, I have a GREAT boss and he basically said to me “who gives a shit about your time, go make sure your son is ok.”  I’ve never had more respect for the man.  My old boss?  Yeah, he can jump off the planet any time now…).

Anyway, I saw Mrs. L and we discussed the meltdown, the losses and the lingering feelings of abandonment from his surgeries.  We then called Jacob down to her office and let him know what we had been discussing and what we would like to do, if he was willing.  While not happy that I’d “called the school”, he DID want help and we mapped out a plan.  We were both happy.  I left with a lighter heart, my beautiful boy (because the soccer game had been canceled) and a list of potential places to help us.

Due to the canceled soccer game and early “dismissal”, we were able to arrange an earlier drop off time with his dad (his dad actually had the day off and was not only coming down to pick him up, he had planned to actually go to Jake’s soccer game – a HUGE first!  Sadly, the game was canceled, but they were able to start a much-needed Daddy Weekend early).

We decided to meet at Barnes & Noble.  It was still in the same area as our normal meeting place, but it offered me the opportunity to try to find some books on death, loss and grieving for Jake.  He’s not much of a reader, but I figured the books would be good for BOTH of us to read, together.

So, there I am, on the floor in the teen section (remember my blown back?) gritting my teeth and digging through every. damn. book. on the last two shelves. 

Chicken Soup for the Pre-Teen Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Chicken Soup for the Pre-Teen Soul III (what the hell happened to “II”??), Seven Habits for Highly Effective Teens…books on what’s going on with his body and yes, it’s normal.  You get the idea.

I picked up the Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, because the pre-teen one was just a tad too young for him and the teenage one had a specific section on death, loss and grief.  I also picked up the Seven Habits book because, let’s face it, the kid needs help in that area too.

But all the while I’m searching this section, I’m touching EVERY book.  I didn’t want to miss an opportunity to help him.

Would you believe, as I was touching and reading every title, I pulled out a small paperback.  All by it’s lonesome.  In between a book about a girl losing both her parents in an auto accident and a book about body changes.

FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS

Ok, Mom.  I heard you.

I walked out of there with 4 books:  Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul Teens Talk Tough Times, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens Personal Workbook and Flags of Our Fathers.

Mar-Mar was there to guide me on Friday. 

She may have died, but she’s so not gone.

Grief Sucks

Jacob and I have been blown and battered around in this last year.

With his multiple surgeries to fix problems with his feet, that caused some isolation issues for him (he had barely any friends come to see him/play with him at all :-/).  My aunt (his primary [live-in] babysitter) died 2 WEEKS (to the day) before his birthday.   And my mom died 8 MONTHS (to the day) after my aunt.

Needless to day, his complete meltdown on Thursday was NOT unexpected (but clearly long overdue).  Obviously, I melted down right along with him.

I made it my mission to get him help (he literally asked for it.  Nearly begged).  At first, he just wanted to talk to me.  I have no issues with that, but with the grief we’re both feeling, I felt I was ill-equiped to help him the way I should.  So I enlisted the help of his school guidance counselor and have called an outside agency for counseling.  I feel like I waited too long (since my aunt died in February), but was told that most kids aren’t “ready” to discuss grief until many months later.  It’s quite possible he would have held on a few more months if my mom hadn’t just died.

Sucky, sucky year.

Our emotional well-being isn’t the only thing suffering.  I’ve now got physical symptoms, wrenched my back last week and could barely walk, so add that NO bereavement time and near crippling pain, I was a gimping wreck…home and at work…no wonder the kid lost it.  He was so afraid that I was going to get sick and die or leave him or just not be me. 😦

And I’m NOT me.  My house has gone to shit.  I’ve never been a “neat freak”, but I am an organizational junkie and WAS keeping the house fairly clean (if still cluttered).  I’ve lost weight, which needs to be done, but I haven’t been going about it in a healthy way (I’m just not hungry, so I don’t eat.  Yes, I know that’s a sign of depression as is the disasterous state of my house, which is why *I* will be getting help to.  I can’t help my son, if I’m not me.  And that’s just completely unacceptable).

Jacob has an appointment to start counseling on Wednesday (provided his father signs and faxes all the paperwork…sigh, custody crap is a pain in the ass).  I *think* I can start counseling at the same center, but want to get Jacob started first.

I will be calling my regular doctor to schedule a routine check up.  Start from the ground up.

I have been going to a chiropractor, since I threw my back out.  I can walk now, with almost no pain.  But going from sitting to standing  still causes me issues.

I’ve made a meal plan for today (just took something out of the freezer, but it’s a start).

Been trying to fill out the calendar with appointments and assignments.

Need to file some bills (to be paid/paid)

Laundry is caught up

I think we’ve both finally caught up with sleep (I pretty much slept the whole weekend, thank goodness he was with his dad…but even Jake has had sleeping issues.  So, even though I have ZERO time to take, we both stayed home today.  I probably should have done it last week, but I feel guilty taking the time off, even when it’s needed.  I’m an idiot.

There’s more that needs to be done.  Here.  Work and at my mother’s.

I’m not ready to go there yet.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be, but it has to be done.  So I will put on my big girl panties and deal.

I’m still scattered, and having a hard time figuring out where to start.  I’ve had that issue for a LONG time…but it has to stop.

I will make my lists, create my binders and put myself on autopilot until I can *think* again.

I’m happy that I’ve got Jake started down the right road. 

And for now, that has to be enough.

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