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Posts tagged ‘me’

Gaining Control

Wow!  It’s been two months since I last posted.  OVER two months.

My bad.

It’s hard to come up with things to write about, but it’s not like I have a fan-base here.  This is 100% for me.  Those others who read and comment are just a bonus.

Anywho…

The last few months have been jam-packed.  My Peanut turned 13 in February.  THIRTEEN!  I am officially the mom of a teenager.  WTF?!  LOL  However, he’s a REALLY good kid, so I can’t say I’m dreading the teens too much. 

After THAT milestone, we moved forward to adopt a rescue dog. 

Mona's Home!

Mona is a full bred German Shepherd Dog (seriously, that’s their “official” name).  She is absolutely wonderful and we love her tons!

Mona and Peanut

The first night we had her, she spent the whole night checking on my boys (I had my nephew that day too).  Would get up, check on them and then go lay back down.  All.  Night.  She’s still skittish, but she’s getting braver, gaining weight and playing.  She’s an absolute joy.  :-)In some sad news, we had to send our kitty, Flash, to live with my sister and nephew.  He was getting beat up by the bully (Tiger) and was terrified of the dog.  He rarely came out of the basement.  My nephew’s cat (Jackson) had recently died and Jackson’s sister, Miley, was sad and lonely.  Flash just happened to be their sibling, so it was a win-win arrangement.  My nephew wound up with a super loveable fuzzball and Flash had a new, stress-free home 🙂  We miss him terribly, but being good parents, we knew he had to be in a calmer environment (didn’t hurt that we can visit him whenever :-p)

I celebrated my 39th birthday.  It was a very nice time.  I missed my mom tho.  However, I DID have a card from her.  She apparently had shopped for it over the summer and stashed it.  My sister found it while going through papers.  It was seriously cool (although, I have my suspicions that my sister actually got the card and made up the story, but I’ll choose to believe the story 😉

Went on a crafting weekend with my Bitches.  LOL  We had a great time and I got quite a few pages done (scrapbooking).  I’m quite enamored with them and am proud of my accomplishments.

Last weekend was 6 months that my mother has been gone.  😦  It seems like forever and yesterday.  I miss her so much it’s painful.  She didn’t get to see her first grandchild become a teenager.  She didn’t get to hear about the lovely, lovely compliments I get from Peanut’s homeroom/Language Arts teacher.  She didn’t get to meet Mona (or slap me in the head for getting yet ANOTHER pet).  There’s a hole that I don’t know how to fill.  I know it will never heal, but the edges are still raw and the scab has yet to begin forming.  *sigh*  It’s gonna be a long road.

Which leads me to the fact that we’re seriously beginning to empty her house and prepare her “estate”.  It’s frustrating, heart-wrenching and ridiculous all at the same time.  We’ve giggled.  We’ve cried (well, *I* did) and we’ve fought.  The fighting I could do without, tyvm!  Siblings are fun…sometimes.

I’ve been seeing a therapist since the month after my mom died as well as taking some medications.  We’ve tweaked the meds a bit, but have discovered the original plan seems to work best for me (went from Celexa to Welbutrin, back to Celexa).  I have sleep issues, but the Welbutrin wasn’t helping with my short fuse.  The Celexa allows me to just let things “roll off”, but I still have a “normal” range of emotions.  I’m also on Lamictal (because I’m apparently bi-polar…not really hard to swallow, but kinda hard to admit).  Also taking 1000 mg of Vitamin D (because I was pretty deficient).  Have yet to buy more of my multivitamin, but I’m getting there.

Back to therapy.  It’s been helpful, but I seem to ramble on about everything and nothing and my choo-choo jumps tracks about fifty’leven times.  This, among other things/habits, makes my therapist think I may have ADD.  There’s also a possibility that I have a twinge of OCD.  Now, I’ve been joking for years that I have ADD/OCD, but I was just joking.  Apparently, I just might really have them.  Have to talk to my doc and see what she says/suggests.  Yet another thing to remember to talk about.

I have to talk to my doc about the pain in my hip (yoinked it over the weekend).  Sometimes it paralyses me (especially when I’m prone) and hurts like the dickens!  I’ve also discovered a lump on my right foot.  It’s hard, but not particularly painful, so I shall have to get that checked out too.

On top of all this, I’ve made a complete and utter mess of my finances.  I chalk that up to the med changes and stupidity.  Yet again, I have to maniacly play games to fix everything.

It’s so much fun being me!

Sometimes…

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24 – Me

I’m a bitch.

I’m a tad selfish.

I can’t stand victims who CHOOSE to be victims.

I have ZERO patience.

I am a pseudo-perfectionist (I’m learning).

I frustrate easily.

I anger easily.

I cry when I’m happy, sad, touched…

Rudeness will put me into orbit.

I mentally cringe when people speak badly ("I seen him do it")

I’m not perfect, but  I hate when people misuse words such as, a lot; they’re, their, there; your, you’re

I LIKE not being married.

I LOVE being a mom.

I HATE when people try to take advantage of me.

I am vindictive.

I have a juvenile sense of humor…sometimes.  (think Beevis & Butthead)

I don’t really get along well with people my own age.

I love children, but most of them make me want to duct tape them and throw them in a closet.

I have an eclectic music collection.

I like paranormal romances.

I believe in ME.

I don’t believe in "God".

God knows this. (bwahahahahaha)

I have a sick sense of humor.

I will laugh at inappropriate moments.

I like chocolate.

I like to cook.

I like gadgets.

I like taking things apart.

I like making things.

I equally like destroying things.

I like stuffed animals.

I have a pinched nerve in my neck.

I have a tendency to do things BEFORE asking for help and then hurting myself.

I’m impatient.

I hate admitting that I CAN’T do something.

There isn’t much I will admit to not being able to do. (:-p)

I am a loyal friend.

And a frightening enemy.

I have a tendency to react badly to idiocy.

I hate speaking in public.

I really don’t like crowds.

Other people can ruin things for me, instantly (see "crowds").

I don’t watch much TV.

I read a lot.

And usually nothing "good".

I’m fat and really don’t give two shits right now.

I’d make a LOUSY nurse (because I’d kill my first whiney-maggot patient).

I like to make up my own words and phrases ("OOPing" is one).

I’m kinda sick and tired of talking about myself now.

Bye

24 – Me

Yep, still no "heavy, deep and real" for ya.

I’m tired, crampy, cranky and bored.

Recipe for disaster.

I *did* remember to take my Nascobal (sp?) but as it’s the first dose in a while, I’m sure it will take a while to make a difference. 

At least my headache is gone.  (went to bed with one and woke up with it).

However, my eyelids feel like they’re losing the battle with gravity.  They also feel like they want to close vertically too.  Weird.

I *must* be THAT tired.

Hopefully, by next 24th, I’ll be energetic and ready to give you a "heavy, deep and real".

Until then…

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

SNAFU Revisited

Remember THIS?

Anyway, my cousin, a former State Police Dispatcher, tried using her contacts to get the information I wanted.

Her old boss got a copy of the confession/report and read a few bits to her.

She said there was considerably more damaage than my mother was led to believe and that I really DON’T want to read it, and to just let it go.

And you know what, I think I will.

I don’t want to remember my father like that. I’ve always just pictured him “whole” and “pretty” in the casket, and I’d like to keep it that way.

Pain Management

Ok, I’m SO fed up with the effin neck pain and now I’ve got lower back pain as well.

I called my Ortho to request some sort of pain management. I can NOT be poppin’ pills. The flexeril does nothing, the naproxen is minimally effective and the percocet makes me sick. I have a relatively physical job (and I have to travel on monday) and I’ve got two people to take care of, I can’t be out of it.

My neighbors are constantly poppin pills for their pain (back and fibromyalgia) and constantly pawning their daughter off on others so they can sleep/lay down/rest. That can not and WILL NOT be me. I want to enjoy my time with my son. I want to be able to cook dinner. I want to be able to clean (even tho I hate it). I want to be able to be able to move and not cry when I do.

I hurt so much last night I took a perc out of desperation. The room spun for 4 hours and my stomach churned. I will admit that my pain was considerably less when I woke up this morning, but my stomach was still rolling and it was not a pleasant experience. I just can’t do this every day for the rest of my life.

Hell, I WON’T do it for another day.

NO MORE PILLS!

Please pray with me that my ortho LISTENS and works with me. Continued therapy, while ideal, will probably not be granted. MY hopes? An MRI to get a better idea of what’s going on and a possible referral for epidural injections.

I’ve been dead set against the MRI because I never knew I was claustrophobic until I had one. I really don’t want to have another one, but if it’s going to give a better idea of what’s going on, I’ll suffer through it.

And the idea of epidural injections is freaky as well. But I’ve heard of SEVERAL positive experiences with it and if it works for me, I’ll be a very happy camper.

I’ll be able to move, take care of my son (and my aunt) and eventually myself. I’ve been putting off exercise for so many reasons, but pain is a big one, can’t quite stick with an exercise plan if it hurts. I want to get back to Krav…really REALLY want to get back to it, but I need mobility.

Ok, babbling now…done.

Frustrated

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

I had therapy today and feel worse now than before I went. I’m not in “PAIN” I’m just extremely uncomfortable.

I was near tears when I left and it wasn’t just due to being uncomfortable. I’m frustrated that I’ve got 3 therapy sessions left and I’m done. Done. My shoulder still aches, feels like there’s a knot in my neck/shoulder, feels like there’s a lot of shit stuffed up in my arm pit and the friggin pinch in the shoulder.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel 1000 times better than when I started. I have relief. But it’s not all the time. When I was at my worst there was NO relief, no matter what I did. Not even with meds (hence the reason I still have 3 near-full prescription bottles). At least now there’s relief, but I still get blasted with an “owie” if I move a certain way or try to put my chin to my chest.

There’s no point in whining to my doctor or PT (not that he hasn’t been trying to help me), but it’s gonna end when it ends and there’s no point in fighting. I should just swallow the contents of the fucking pill bottles. All at one time. Hell, even then I’d probably have pain *sigh*

I just wanna curl up and cry right now. Where’s the apathy when ya need it?

So, later, when ya’ll hear me bitching and moaning that this or that hurts, don’t come back with “see a doctor”. I’ll just throw this whole fiasco back at you. I don’t like doctors to begin with, I think 99% of them are quacks, but this just makes me want to give up. I can only fight so many battles and this one just doesn’t make the cut.

So, pass the bottle (prescription and wine)…I’m up for a long chug.

PT Update

NEWS FLASH: FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NEARLY 3 WEEKS, MY FINGER TIP IS NOT NUMB!!!!

*dances*

(and now, because I have said this, my finger tip is itching, but we shall pretend that’s not happening and hope it goes away…)

Therapy wasn’t too terrible yesterday. Bernie did some typical chin-tuck exercises and bending my head backwards. No pain, no symptoms. Good right? Apparently not.

Been having some trouble looking over my right shoulder so he did some pressing on spots on my neck, not too bad. But, at one point he hit one spot on my neck and I nearly shot outta the chair. So, we seem to have found the problem. Now, I SWEAR I’ve brushed this spot, massaged this spot, etc and it’s never given me an issue, but he hit it twice and I wanted to cry.

He gave me a new exercise to try. I look ridiculous doing it, but it does increase my range of motion.

I was quite sore when I went to bed last night tho. My “wing” was even acting up, so I don’t know what the f*ck the deal is. Took a while to get comfy an fall asleep…and per usual, couldn’t stay asleep. *sigh*

Someday, right?

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