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Angel Kitty :-(

We lost our baby S’mores yesterday.  She’s always been sickly, but didn’t show any sign of decline.  But when I went to feed the cats yesterday morning, she didn’t come running, like she usually does. 

S’mores loved chicken. So much that she OPENED the oven and climbed in to get it (it was in there cooling after dinner)

 

“Where’s S’mores?”

I went looking for her…and found her on the dining room floor, in front of the heater. 😦  I don’t know how long she’d been gone, but I felt awful (and still do) that she was alone for that passing.  I mean, I know, everyone/everything dies and the whole process IS a solitary one, but I’d liked to have been there to maybe alleviate any suffering.  😦

I was fine until I wrapped her in a towel and put her in her box.  Oh, I lost it, big crocodile tears and hiccuping sobs.  Thank goodness it was early enough in the morning that no one could see me.  I was an absolute mess.

Later that evening, when we got ready to bury her, Peanut told his friends that “Queen Nar-Nar” (don’t ask, have NO idea where that nickname came from) had died.

OMG, I can’t express how wonderful these kids were!

They insisted on digging the grave, made a “headstone” and had everyone sign it, bought flowers and had me play Amazing Grace from my phone.  We put trinkets in the box with her and they proceeded to fill the grave.  It was so sweet and really helped lift Peanut’s spirits.  He was SO heartbroken 😦

RIP S’mores.  You will be very missed.  </3

S’mores’ grave, flowers and Peanut

New Year; New Me

I totally hosed the whole blog-every-day thing in the last few days of December.  BUT, I have a valid reason. My son was sick. I mean, sick, sick. We went to the doctor TWICE, that’s how sick.  Started off with the flu (high fever, body aches and cough) and then moved straight to walking pneumonia.  Awesome.

NOT

He ran the fever from Wednesday night (102.9) until Monday evening (100.7).  Now, before you try to tell me that 100.7 isn’t really a fever, keep in mind his “normal” is 97.5, so 100.7 is a glassy-eyed fever for him (hell, 99.5 is a glassy-eyed fever for him).  102.9 had him panicked and freezing.  (Hell, *I* was panicked!  I hate fevers :-/)

Anyway, I’ve been busy playing nurse to my sometimes-whiney 12-year old.  I did have time to do laundry (because you don’t have to babysit that); dishes; some Studio de-cluttering (while the Widget slept).  I even cleaned my effin fridge.  (you know, the pull out the shelves and drawers and WASH THEM kind of clean…think I was a tad germ-phobic???)

My ADD and OCD are having a great time with my suddenly manic cleaning frenzy.  My ADD has me bouncing from room to room (because let’s face it, cleaning is BORING!) and my OCD has me organizing/categorizing over and over (because there’s a better way to do it or “ooh, look what this person did, I like it, gotta try it!”) 

I’m mental, get used to it.

I’m TRYING to get my shit together this year.  Which is adding to my manic cleaning frenzy.  Would you believe I CLEANED all FOUR litterboxes?  Seriously cleaned.  It’s a sickness, man!  Seriously, I think I’m cleaning demented.  LOL

I want to do all the normal resolution crap.  Eat better.  Exercise more.  Stop worrying about stupid shit.  Finish what I start (I’m REALLY bad at that one).  Cut down on TV (my brother needs to STOP introducing me to new shows!).  ASK for help when I need it, rather than hurting myself first and THEN asking.  Spend more time with Booger Brain.  MAKE more time for Booger Brain…and myself!  Start giving a shit about ME again.  (I actually did my hair AND make-up today, go me!)

I’m still not “dressing” for work.  I work on gas turbine engines.  NOT conducive to “business attire”.  And there is NO FUCKING WAY I’m wearing a dress.  I *hate* them!  Can you imagine working on an engine, ass in the air, with a skirt on?!  LMAO.  Um, no.  Yoga pants, t-shirts and hoodies work for me.  I can be comfy and still look good, right?! 

Just agree with me, makes life easier 😉

So, there ya go.  Quick update.  Obviously, I’m not going to limit myself with my daily blog topics.  They got seriously boring.  While I do need direction at times, my short attention span does NOT like “same shit, over and over and over”.

Stay tuned…I may get funnier…and more frequent!

(don’t hold your breath…you’ll turn blue, and while Smurfs may be “in” right now, blue is not really a good color if you’re over “four apples high”)

28 – Travel

I need to start off with the fact that my Peanut is sick, so I didn’t even THINK about PCO yesterday (well, after I wrote about it).  Cough and low fever.  He’s been quite miserable with the cough (his sides hurt from too much coughing), but his temperment has been wonderful.  Go Peanut!  Feel better, damn it!  We’re supposed to party on Saturday!

Ok, back to my stupid journal topic.  I say stupid, because, let’s face it, I ain’t traveling any time soon. 

As always, my DREAM is to go to Ireland.  NEED. TO. GO.  Someday *sigh*

Jake would like to go to:  North Carolina, any place with a WWII museum, the Baseball Hall of Fame, every baseball stadium in the good ole US of A, California, Pearl Harbor, aaaaand now I’m drawing a blank.

I have to say, I’m not opposed to any of those trips (except maybe the baseball stadiums).  I’ve seen a lot of WWII museums in my work travels (one guy I used to always travel with was way into WWII, so we went to all the WWII museums within driving distance of our install.  I should add “driving distance” to him was any place he could make it to within 4 hours.  We once drove from Mayport, FL to somewhere past Savannah, GA for a museum.  It was a cool museum, but my butt was sore after a while).

I do love to travel, but can’t/don’t for work anymore.  More of a choice, but how do I leave a 12 year old home alone while I fly to California for a week?  The answer?  YOU DON’T!  I choose to be a parent and put my family’s needs first.  So, I don’t travel anymore (which means I go from the uber cool job of working on gas turbine engines to the uber NOT cool job of contract negotiations.  yay me :-/).

All my travels will now have to be family trips, which, I kinda like better than work travel.  ONE of these days, I’d like to have enough vacation time to take him on a road trip to wherever we think we can go in X amount of days.

Remind me to tell you of my cross-country trip with my sister.  THAT was an “adven-cha” 😉

27 – Purging/Cleaning/Organizing

Three of my favorite words.

As usual, they center around my house.  Specifically, my studio, my living room and my basement.

My studio is a disaster right now.  Became the stash-and-dash dumping ground for the hellidays.  It wasn’t perfect BEFORE the hellidays, but it was workable.  Now?  I can’t barely walk around in there.  Need to work on PCO in there, badly!  It serves as my crafting room, my office and storage for office/school supplies.  Obviously, I needs some “stationing”.  I plan to work on it.  But not burn myself out in there.

My living room just doesn’t flow.  Been trying to figure out some flow for years (been in the house 7, almost 8 years now).  I’ll probably spend a lifetime trying to figure out how to make it work :-/

My basement is the bane of my existence.  It was a disaster before (was half playroom/half craftroom).  The cats would destroy my craft stuff…either knock stuff over, or even more lovely, pee on projects.  FUN!  not.  Then I moved upstairs to the studio.  I could close the door!  Woo Hoo!  Well, right before I moved, my basement flooded.  In the craft room part of the basement.  :-/  Did a quick stash and dash to throw stuff into the playroom portion (cuz it was dry).  And that’s where everything stayed.  My son hadn’t played down there in almost 2 years (because he couldn’t get down there after his foot surgeries).  It’s STILL a giant trash heap.  AND it smells down there.  With hurting my back (TWICE) and two deaths, I just haven’t been able to get down there to cut up and remove the carpet. 

Wet carpeting/padding smells like a REALLY dirty litterbox.

O.M.G.

I need a gas mask and gloves.  And strong backs to carry out the carpet (and move some furniture for me).  I need to call a flooring company to come out and re-carpet (and possibly replace subflooring).  Hell, I still need to get a roofing company out to fix my damn roof!

I think I need to Purge/Clean/Organize my brain before I do anything else…

26 – Trying Something New

I’m SO not good at this one.

I want to say I’m trying meds or I’m trying therapy, but those are just a cop-out (for this topic).

I haven’t tried ANYTHING new.  I’m seriously drawing a blank here…

Chalk this one up under EPIC FAIL.

25 – Good Deeds

I actually did this one this month!

Rants from Mommyland ran this lovely experiment.  Helping Hookers.  I jumped on board.  I NEEDED to help someone else.  I NEEDED some xmas spirit.  I NEEDED to feel SOMETHING.

I actually “hooked” twice. 🙂

It felt great!

It felt wonderful!

But I still didn’t feel xmas-y.  😦

Don’t get me wrong, I’m SO glad I did something to help (and I really hope it did), but I still felt/feel detatched…

24 – ME

Ha, kinda funny that ME coincided with Xmas Eve.

I had a HARD time on Xmas Eve.  I’m not really sure why, but my grief and social anxiety were just on over-drive.  I sat and cried most of the day.  I did get the tree up, the stockings, wrapped gifts, cleaned my kitchen and living room and decorated just a little bit (I was hosting xmas dinner this year).

Got invited over to a neighbor’s house for their festivities (my son had been there all freakin day), but I couldn’t make myself go.  I was freakin TERRIFIED!  I was wondering around my kitchen, wiping down counters, crying and talking to myself, “I can’t!  I can’t!  I can’t!”  WTF?!

Obviously, even with medication, I’m not handling the holidays too well.  Been calling them “hellidays”.  I’ve never liked xmas, especially after the magic died (when Jake no longer believed in Santa).  This year, I just couldn’t focus on what I *did* have, only on what I’d lost.

Grief sucks ass.

Depression sucks ass.

Insomnia sucks ass.

All three together is a recipe for disaster…But I’m working on it.  And I’m trying really hard.  I need to get control back (I’m a control freak)…some days, I know exactly what to do and other days, I’m floundering so badly, it’s a wonder I can use the bathroom on my own.

Probably means a med adjustment (don’t get me started on that, feel like such a loser/wimp that I gave in to the meds, but they HAVE made a huge difference).

It’s coming up on Inny’s one year anniversary.  Can you believe it?  Her birthday is early January and then February 7th is one year that she’s been gone.  4 MONTHS that my mother’s been gone. 

I’m in hell and I can’t dig my way out.  My friends/family/loved ones are my light.  I keep trying to follow the light, but there are so many shadows to get lost in.  I just hope they keep shining those lights until I can find the exit…

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