I have so much swirling around in my head. And it feels like it’s all smoke and mirrors because I can’t “catch” any one thought. If I can’t catch the thought, I can’t FINISH the thought and then put into action my perceived solution.
And it’s driving me bat-shit crazy!!!
And because I’m bat-shit crazy, I’m being a passive-aggressive bitch to MY FRIENDS. Friends that don’t deserve even half the shit I’m doing.
I just can’t focus. Can’t pick ONE thing on my list of “Oh shit, now I have THIS to do???”. Anytime I do start somewhere, I inevitably fall into another member on the list, and my focus shifts there. It’s perpetual and frustrating.
I haven’t been formally diagnosed with ADD, so I have no idea if there are meds out there to help me, but the meds I’m currently on (which are keeping my mood swings in check, believe it or not) are already causing me more sleep issues than I’d previously had. I’m afraid more meds would just exacerbate the problem, and they’ll be sticking me in a rubber room if that happens. 😦
So…that brings me to my never-ending quest to find a starting spot and STICK TO THE FUCKING THING!
I’m a self-starter and hate being told what to do. HATE IT. But in this instance I NEED someone to tell me where to start and what to do next. And I *hate* that I need it. I am a stubborn “I’ll do it myself” pain-in-the-ass. Seriously. Stubborn gets me hurt (more than just physically). And I hate having to ask for help. It was hard going to the doctor to ask for help. I hate taking meds. Resent that I need them. But I do need them, I wasn’t able to “fix” myself. Apparently, there are some chemicals in my brain that are fucked. up. Damn it >.<
I am one GIANT condradiction. Which doesn’t help the situation. I *know* this. Why can’t I FIX it?!