Archive for the ‘grief’ Category

One Year (and Two Days)

I’m a little late with this, but it’s been a rough couple of days…

Sunday marked one year that my mom was gone.

One year.

How the FUCK did that happen?

Sometimes, it feels like just yesterday, and others, it feels like it’s been forever.

Obviously, I still cry.  I cried on Sunday.  Yesterday, I finally removed my ICU nametag from the roof of my car.  I couldn’t bear to do it.  I still have my “spider butterfly” hanging on my visor (my mom had given my sister and I butterfly hair clips, black butterflies with silver spider webbing on it.  We wore them to her memorial service.  Halloween and butterflies.  Definitely and homage to mom).

I want my mom back.  It’s true, you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone.  She annoyed me (she was a mom, duh).  But she was always my go to for a pep talk…although hers were usually acidic lol  My mom pulled no punches.

It’s weird going through her house and incorporating some of her things into my home.  I can see my mom cringing at the disaster my house has become trying to find homes for everything.  LOL  I would ask her to come spend a few days, usually to watch the Widget while I was traveling for work.  Or just to spend time with us for a few days, and whenever I wasn’t around, she’d clean.  I’d come home and wonder if I walked into the right house!  It must be a mom-thing.  She would get offended if we came to spruce up a room or two at her place.

Like the time we wanted to move her from my brother’s old room ACROSS THE HALL to the room my sister and I used to share.  All we were going to do was paint it, vacuum and put her stuff in there.  She deserved a bigger room (she had traded rooms with my younger brother a few years ago…”all I do is sleep there” *sigh*).  She’d also be closer to the bathroom.  (The room my sister and I shared was actually considered the Master Bedroom, but my mom and dad chose the room at the top of the stairs so they could be the first line of defence against an intruder – and to stop anyone from trying to sneak in/out!  LOL)  She fought us tooth and nail and told us that she felt like we were judging her and saying she was a lousy house-keeper.  Oy

I miss her.  I miss her hugs.  I miss the way she used to stroke my hair when I was upset and laying on her lap.  That’s one of my earliest memories.  Laying on my mom’s lap, sleepy/sad and saying “do dis” and I stroked my hair back from my temple.  She always did that if we layed in her lap.  I do it to my little one (and friends’ little ones).  It’s very comforting.

I miss it.

I miss her laugh.  I miss the way she would snort when she laughed too hard.  Or fart.  LOL  She’d fart from laughing, go “I tooted!” laugh some more and fart some more.  It was hilarious. 🙂

I miss the way she’d call me on the phone, babble a bit and then say she was gonna let me go.  And then go, “ooh, one more thing…”  She’d do that about 5 or 6 times in the course of one phone call.

I miss the way her face would light up when the grandkids walked through the door. 

I miss the way she’d get embarrased at an off-color joke.  For all her years, she still played the “innocent”.

There are so many things I will miss…I’m not always sure how to handle the grief.  I mean, I was so little when my dad died, I have no idea how to handle losing a parent.  I know it’s a part of life.  A part of living life.

But it sucks ass.

Dirty, smelly, hairy ass. (she’d have laughed at that and then yelled at me for it).

I miss you, mama. 

I’ll always miss you.


Angel Kitty :-(

We lost our baby S’mores yesterday.  She’s always been sickly, but didn’t show any sign of decline.  But when I went to feed the cats yesterday morning, she didn’t come running, like she usually does. 

S’mores loved chicken. So much that she OPENED the oven and climbed in to get it (it was in there cooling after dinner)


“Where’s S’mores?”

I went looking for her…and found her on the dining room floor, in front of the heater. 😦  I don’t know how long she’d been gone, but I felt awful (and still do) that she was alone for that passing.  I mean, I know, everyone/everything dies and the whole process IS a solitary one, but I’d liked to have been there to maybe alleviate any suffering.  😦

I was fine until I wrapped her in a towel and put her in her box.  Oh, I lost it, big crocodile tears and hiccuping sobs.  Thank goodness it was early enough in the morning that no one could see me.  I was an absolute mess.

Later that evening, when we got ready to bury her, Peanut told his friends that “Queen Nar-Nar” (don’t ask, have NO idea where that nickname came from) had died.

OMG, I can’t express how wonderful these kids were!

They insisted on digging the grave, made a “headstone” and had everyone sign it, bought flowers and had me play Amazing Grace from my phone.  We put trinkets in the box with her and they proceeded to fill the grave.  It was so sweet and really helped lift Peanut’s spirits.  He was SO heartbroken 😦

RIP S’mores.  You will be very missed.  </3

S’mores’ grave, flowers and Peanut

Kick in the Teeth

I woke up this morning feeling the same as always, tired, but here.  Got ready for work (nightmare of a process that involved going to the basement for clothes…in my underwear).

Anyway, I got to work.  After finishing my email, voicemail, inventory routine, I jumped on the net and checked FB and some blogs.  Nothing unusual.  Typical day.

One of my blogs sent me into a grief-filled tizzy.  I haven’t cried over the loss of my mom in a good long while.  I’ve been able to talk about her (sometimes in the present tense) and not feel that quick stab in the heart.

Until this morning.

That grief kicked me in the face this morning.  It hasn’t even been a year yet, so I know I’m still raw and sensitive, but Jeebus Crisco!  WTF?!

I miss my mom today.  I miss her everyday, but today…I’m just raw.

I hate feeling raw.  Like road rash on my heart.  You feel the burn, feel the pain, but the size of the rash is too big for a bandaid.  Too big for gauze.  You have to leave it open and raw.  And tread carefully.  Hitting that rash could hurt.

Someone just freakin sanded that rash for me.  Not on purpose, she doesn’t even know me.  But the scabs that had started to form have been picked and irritated and in some spots are bleeding.   😦

I know that rash will never completely heal.  I know that scar will be raised and purple for a good long while.  Scars are a part of living.  It will join the ones that are already there and welcome the new ones with hugs and comforting words. 

But today…today I wish my heart was smooth and beautiful.

Gaining Control

Wow!  It’s been two months since I last posted.  OVER two months.

My bad.

It’s hard to come up with things to write about, but it’s not like I have a fan-base here.  This is 100% for me.  Those others who read and comment are just a bonus.


The last few months have been jam-packed.  My Peanut turned 13 in February.  THIRTEEN!  I am officially the mom of a teenager.  WTF?!  LOL  However, he’s a REALLY good kid, so I can’t say I’m dreading the teens too much. 

After THAT milestone, we moved forward to adopt a rescue dog. 

Mona's Home!

Mona is a full bred German Shepherd Dog (seriously, that’s their “official” name).  She is absolutely wonderful and we love her tons!

Mona and Peanut

The first night we had her, she spent the whole night checking on my boys (I had my nephew that day too).  Would get up, check on them and then go lay back down.  All.  Night.  She’s still skittish, but she’s getting braver, gaining weight and playing.  She’s an absolute joy.  :-)In some sad news, we had to send our kitty, Flash, to live with my sister and nephew.  He was getting beat up by the bully (Tiger) and was terrified of the dog.  He rarely came out of the basement.  My nephew’s cat (Jackson) had recently died and Jackson’s sister, Miley, was sad and lonely.  Flash just happened to be their sibling, so it was a win-win arrangement.  My nephew wound up with a super loveable fuzzball and Flash had a new, stress-free home 🙂  We miss him terribly, but being good parents, we knew he had to be in a calmer environment (didn’t hurt that we can visit him whenever :-p)

I celebrated my 39th birthday.  It was a very nice time.  I missed my mom tho.  However, I DID have a card from her.  She apparently had shopped for it over the summer and stashed it.  My sister found it while going through papers.  It was seriously cool (although, I have my suspicions that my sister actually got the card and made up the story, but I’ll choose to believe the story 😉

Went on a crafting weekend with my Bitches.  LOL  We had a great time and I got quite a few pages done (scrapbooking).  I’m quite enamored with them and am proud of my accomplishments.

Last weekend was 6 months that my mother has been gone.  😦  It seems like forever and yesterday.  I miss her so much it’s painful.  She didn’t get to see her first grandchild become a teenager.  She didn’t get to hear about the lovely, lovely compliments I get from Peanut’s homeroom/Language Arts teacher.  She didn’t get to meet Mona (or slap me in the head for getting yet ANOTHER pet).  There’s a hole that I don’t know how to fill.  I know it will never heal, but the edges are still raw and the scab has yet to begin forming.  *sigh*  It’s gonna be a long road.

Which leads me to the fact that we’re seriously beginning to empty her house and prepare her “estate”.  It’s frustrating, heart-wrenching and ridiculous all at the same time.  We’ve giggled.  We’ve cried (well, *I* did) and we’ve fought.  The fighting I could do without, tyvm!  Siblings are fun…sometimes.

I’ve been seeing a therapist since the month after my mom died as well as taking some medications.  We’ve tweaked the meds a bit, but have discovered the original plan seems to work best for me (went from Celexa to Welbutrin, back to Celexa).  I have sleep issues, but the Welbutrin wasn’t helping with my short fuse.  The Celexa allows me to just let things “roll off”, but I still have a “normal” range of emotions.  I’m also on Lamictal (because I’m apparently bi-polar…not really hard to swallow, but kinda hard to admit).  Also taking 1000 mg of Vitamin D (because I was pretty deficient).  Have yet to buy more of my multivitamin, but I’m getting there.

Back to therapy.  It’s been helpful, but I seem to ramble on about everything and nothing and my choo-choo jumps tracks about fifty’leven times.  This, among other things/habits, makes my therapist think I may have ADD.  There’s also a possibility that I have a twinge of OCD.  Now, I’ve been joking for years that I have ADD/OCD, but I was just joking.  Apparently, I just might really have them.  Have to talk to my doc and see what she says/suggests.  Yet another thing to remember to talk about.

I have to talk to my doc about the pain in my hip (yoinked it over the weekend).  Sometimes it paralyses me (especially when I’m prone) and hurts like the dickens!  I’ve also discovered a lump on my right foot.  It’s hard, but not particularly painful, so I shall have to get that checked out too.

On top of all this, I’ve made a complete and utter mess of my finances.  I chalk that up to the med changes and stupidity.  Yet again, I have to maniacly play games to fix everything.

It’s so much fun being me!


Beauty and Pain

This was so beautiful it hurt.  And hit way too close to home…

Angel Song

08 – Family/Friends

Well, my family got a little smaller in the last year 😦 (DUH)  So, obviously, the fam is a little adrift.  Mom was the anchor, the simple common denominator.  It’s hard to row back to the middle when your island is no longer there.  Sometimes, you just don’t want to.  Part of me wants to let the rest of my family row off into their own oceans, but the other part of me doesn’t want them to go too far.  I love my family.  They drive me up the freakin walls, but I love them.  How are the holidays going to work now?  We all went to Mom’s for the holidays.  Now where do we go?  It’s always been, “Do YOUR holiday with YOUR [immediate] family and we will all congregate at Mom’s on such-and-such-a-date”.  Um, now what?

For Thanksgiving, I think we’re congregating at my house.  I’m the mid-point (ha!  guess the world DOES revolve around me :-p – please, let me at least keep my wifto sense of humor…).  I certainly don’t mind hosting, but it’s just not going to be the same.  HOW do you fix that?  And that’s just Thanksgiving.  How the fuck are we gonna do xmas???  I hate xmas anyway, now, it’s just a painful reminder of traditions long gone :-/

Oy, enough with the maudlin…

My friends are fantastic.  Very supportive.  Understanding. 

I have plans to have a Friend’s Thanksgiving, the weekend before.  To me, that will be merry and enjoyable.  Again, not that I don’t love my family, but I can’t see the Connor Family Thanksgiving being all that “happy”.


I totally don’t know what to talk about without fixating on what I’ve/we’ve lost.

I guess, to sum up, WRT Family:  the future is uncertain.  WRT Friends:  thank the gods I have them.  I think I’d have flown apart by now without them…


People have been asking me how I’m feeling, since my mom’s passing.

It’s kind of hard to describe.

I mean, yes, there’s sadness.  Pervasive, take-your-breath-away, sadness.  Definitely anger.  There’s a disconnection and feeling adrift, but the best way I can describe it is:

Have you ever seen a swaddled baby?  They’re all nice and snug inside that little blanket.  Safe.  Comforted.  But unswaddle them too quickly, and you get the startle response.  Arms and legs flail.  They’re eyes get wide and they scream/cry.

THAT is how I feel.  No safety-net. 

I feel lost, adrift and disconnected.  No safe harbors.

And it blows.

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