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New Year; New Me

I totally hosed the whole blog-every-day thing in the last few days of December.  BUT, I have a valid reason. My son was sick. I mean, sick, sick. We went to the doctor TWICE, that’s how sick.  Started off with the flu (high fever, body aches and cough) and then moved straight to walking pneumonia.  Awesome.

NOT

He ran the fever from Wednesday night (102.9) until Monday evening (100.7).  Now, before you try to tell me that 100.7 isn’t really a fever, keep in mind his “normal” is 97.5, so 100.7 is a glassy-eyed fever for him (hell, 99.5 is a glassy-eyed fever for him).  102.9 had him panicked and freezing.  (Hell, *I* was panicked!  I hate fevers :-/)

Anyway, I’ve been busy playing nurse to my sometimes-whiney 12-year old.  I did have time to do laundry (because you don’t have to babysit that); dishes; some Studio de-cluttering (while the Widget slept).  I even cleaned my effin fridge.  (you know, the pull out the shelves and drawers and WASH THEM kind of clean…think I was a tad germ-phobic???)

My ADD and OCD are having a great time with my suddenly manic cleaning frenzy.  My ADD has me bouncing from room to room (because let’s face it, cleaning is BORING!) and my OCD has me organizing/categorizing over and over (because there’s a better way to do it or “ooh, look what this person did, I like it, gotta try it!”) 

I’m mental, get used to it.

I’m TRYING to get my shit together this year.  Which is adding to my manic cleaning frenzy.  Would you believe I CLEANED all FOUR litterboxes?  Seriously cleaned.  It’s a sickness, man!  Seriously, I think I’m cleaning demented.  LOL

I want to do all the normal resolution crap.  Eat better.  Exercise more.  Stop worrying about stupid shit.  Finish what I start (I’m REALLY bad at that one).  Cut down on TV (my brother needs to STOP introducing me to new shows!).  ASK for help when I need it, rather than hurting myself first and THEN asking.  Spend more time with Booger Brain.  MAKE more time for Booger Brain…and myself!  Start giving a shit about ME again.  (I actually did my hair AND make-up today, go me!)

I’m still not “dressing” for work.  I work on gas turbine engines.  NOT conducive to “business attire”.  And there is NO FUCKING WAY I’m wearing a dress.  I *hate* them!  Can you imagine working on an engine, ass in the air, with a skirt on?!  LMAO.  Um, no.  Yoga pants, t-shirts and hoodies work for me.  I can be comfy and still look good, right?! 

Just agree with me, makes life easier 😉

So, there ya go.  Quick update.  Obviously, I’m not going to limit myself with my daily blog topics.  They got seriously boring.  While I do need direction at times, my short attention span does NOT like “same shit, over and over and over”.

Stay tuned…I may get funnier…and more frequent!

(don’t hold your breath…you’ll turn blue, and while Smurfs may be “in” right now, blue is not really a good color if you’re over “four apples high”)

24 – ME

Ha, kinda funny that ME coincided with Xmas Eve.

I had a HARD time on Xmas Eve.  I’m not really sure why, but my grief and social anxiety were just on over-drive.  I sat and cried most of the day.  I did get the tree up, the stockings, wrapped gifts, cleaned my kitchen and living room and decorated just a little bit (I was hosting xmas dinner this year).

Got invited over to a neighbor’s house for their festivities (my son had been there all freakin day), but I couldn’t make myself go.  I was freakin TERRIFIED!  I was wondering around my kitchen, wiping down counters, crying and talking to myself, “I can’t!  I can’t!  I can’t!”  WTF?!

Obviously, even with medication, I’m not handling the holidays too well.  Been calling them “hellidays”.  I’ve never liked xmas, especially after the magic died (when Jake no longer believed in Santa).  This year, I just couldn’t focus on what I *did* have, only on what I’d lost.

Grief sucks ass.

Depression sucks ass.

Insomnia sucks ass.

All three together is a recipe for disaster…But I’m working on it.  And I’m trying really hard.  I need to get control back (I’m a control freak)…some days, I know exactly what to do and other days, I’m floundering so badly, it’s a wonder I can use the bathroom on my own.

Probably means a med adjustment (don’t get me started on that, feel like such a loser/wimp that I gave in to the meds, but they HAVE made a huge difference).

It’s coming up on Inny’s one year anniversary.  Can you believe it?  Her birthday is early January and then February 7th is one year that she’s been gone.  4 MONTHS that my mother’s been gone. 

I’m in hell and I can’t dig my way out.  My friends/family/loved ones are my light.  I keep trying to follow the light, but there are so many shadows to get lost in.  I just hope they keep shining those lights until I can find the exit…

Holding Pattern

Everything’s in a holding pattern.

Just received my mother’s ashes yesterday (her birthday, can you smell the irony?)

Called and scheduled the memorial service.  And not 30 mins later, my sister wants me to call and try to REschedule it, because 10 am is too early.

Um, excuse me?

I don’t fucking care!  People have distance to travel.  Too fucking bad.  I just want this over.  I want closure. 

I want to fucking grieve already.  Everyone else can go to hell.

I haven’t been able to cry because it upsets my son.

However, he keeps making comments that he never sees me “really smile” anymore.

Well, it’s kinda hard! 

I don’t WANT to cry.

I don’t WANT to hurt.

I don’t WANT to do any-fucking-thing.

And we haven’t even STARTED going through her house/estate. 

It’s hard to work, schedule [school] activities AND do all this.

My sister pretty much lost her job because of it.  I keep losing pay, because I have to take time off without pay.  But my brothers, both of whom do not work outside the home, do next to nothing.  My one brother’s WIFE has been helping us…and they have a 2 year old! (and SHE works outside of the home)…

I’m getting pissier and pissier the more time goes by.  And that’s SO disrespectful to my mother’s memory.

And I’m not even sure how to task out everything or break it down.

Obviously, I need help and I’ve “scheduled it”.

Now, to just make it that far…

I am a GODDESS!

Seriously.

Last week, I went to throw a load of laundry in the dryer (with my BRAND NEW dryer balls, even!) and was met with silence.

OK…COULD mean that the switch wasn’t thrown all the way.  So, I turn it on and off like 4 times.  Crap. 

Hmmm…let’s check the breaker box.

Nope.

SHIT

Rather than piss myself off more, I hung my clothes all over my basement and went to bed.

Next day, after work, I take the back off my dryer (where the cord connects) and see THIS

Don’t know if you can see it or not, but the damn terminal strip is MELTED.  The ONLY wire left connected was the neutral/ground.  Holy CRAP!  Good thing it just MELTED and didn’t catch fire.

From previous experience (plug blew once before, but didn’t MELT), I knew I could probably fix it.  It was just a matter of finding the part.  Which I did!  Here.

So, I ordered the part and got it yesterday.  Unfortunately, it didn’t come with the little disconnect tabs that I needed and I figured I should err on the side of caution and buy YET ANOTHER !&%&*$&% power cord.

I am happy to report that my dryer is currently drying a load of clothes and will get ANOTHER load in a few minutes.

I love when I can thumb my nose at “weak woman-itis”.

I am not just a woman, I am a CAPABLE woman and a GODDESS!!!

*cue lightening bolts*

24 – Me

Ugh, I always hate this topic when it comes around…

I’ve been working on ME tho.  Started a new exercise routine.  Not very rigorous, but I need to ESTABLISH the routine first, then I can tweak it.  I *really* miss Krav Maga.  *sniffle*  It was a great outlet for pent-up frustration, and honestly, I miss kicking the heavy bag’s ass.  I am a lazy ass, but I DO need a physical outlet for frustration, anger, etc..

Along those lines, I FEEL everything.  As a friend of mine once said, “I’m emotional.  Not fragile.”  When I’m happy, I laugh.  When I’m sad, I cry (and hate every freakin second of it, especially if I have an audience).  When I’m angry/pissed off…um, you may wanna run.  Therefore, I need outlets for these energies.

I’ve been very bad about giving myself an outlet.  Mostly for the pain and anger.  There’s no real fall-out for giving in to a bought of laughter, But cry or throw something (in anger) and people tend to judge you. 

For the most part, I don’t give a flying FIG what anyone thinks of me.  *I* know who I am and who’s opinions matter to me.  And those people aren’t going to judge me for one bad act or one slip of control.  They know who I am.  I have lots of aquaintences, but only a handful of REAL FRIENDS.  Those are the people who’s opinions matter to me.  They know who they are and they have ALL definitely seen me at both my best and my worst.  I’m not saying I’m proud of it.  I’m just lucky to have people see me be the worst I have been and still love me, cuz they know it’s not really “me”.

So, all THAT to say I need to get myself physically “fixed” so I can kick ass again.  🙂

[for those not in-the-know, I have a pinched nerve (C5/C6/C7) and need to build up the muscle around them before I can do anything uber physical, and Krav is definitely, uber physical.  Last time I took it, I lost 30 pounds in less than a month!  Of course, that could be from going “all out” when I started *grin*]

24 – Me

Eh, I’m in a funk.

A serious funk.

Dealing with a lot, thinking about a lot…avoiding a lot.

When I get like this, I shutdown and grow inward.  I don’t want to do anything, talk to anyone. 

I can’t sleep, but I”m tired all the time and nearly nod off at work.

Depression sucks.  It’s not a severe depression, I can pull myself out of it, but I haven’t figured out the answer yet, so I hide until I have it.  I have ONE of the answers, but I’m not sure how to go about doing it (or if I *really* want to, but for my sanity, I need to 😦 )

Give me a bit and I’ll have more to say, next time…

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