I woke up this morning feeling the same as always, tired, but here. Got ready for work (nightmare of a process that involved going to the basement for clothes…in my underwear).
Anyway, I got to work. After finishing my email, voicemail, inventory routine, I jumped on the net and checked FB and some blogs. Nothing unusual. Typical day.
One of my blogs sent me into a grief-filled tizzy. I haven’t cried over the loss of my mom in a good long while. I’ve been able to talk about her (sometimes in the present tense) and not feel that quick stab in the heart.
Until this morning.
That grief kicked me in the face this morning. It hasn’t even been a year yet, so I know I’m still raw and sensitive, but Jeebus Crisco! WTF?!
I miss my mom today. I miss her everyday, but today…I’m just raw.
I hate feeling raw. Like road rash on my heart. You feel the burn, feel the pain, but the size of the rash is too big for a bandaid. Too big for gauze. You have to leave it open and raw. And tread carefully. Hitting that rash could hurt.
Someone just freakin sanded that rash for me. Not on purpose, she doesn’t even know me. But the scabs that had started to form have been picked and irritated and in some spots are bleeding. 😦
I know that rash will never completely heal. I know that scar will be raised and purple for a good long while. Scars are a part of living. It will join the ones that are already there and welcome the new ones with hugs and comforting words.
But today…today I wish my heart was smooth and beautiful.