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Archive for the ‘getting help’ Category

Can’t……….Focus………..

I have so much swirling around in my head.  And it feels like it’s all smoke and mirrors because I can’t “catch” any one thought.  If I can’t catch the thought, I can’t FINISH the thought and then put into action my perceived solution. 

And it’s driving me bat-shit crazy!!!

And because I’m bat-shit crazy, I’m being a passive-aggressive bitch to MY FRIENDS.  Friends that don’t deserve even half the shit I’m doing. 

*sigh*

I just can’t focus.  Can’t pick ONE thing on my list of “Oh shit, now I have THIS to do???”.  Anytime I do start somewhere, I inevitably fall into another member on the list, and my focus shifts there.  It’s perpetual and frustrating. 

I haven’t been formally diagnosed with ADD, so I have no idea if there are meds out there to help me, but the meds I’m currently on (which are keeping my mood swings in check, believe it or not) are already causing me more sleep issues than I’d previously had.  I’m afraid more meds would just exacerbate the problem, and they’ll be sticking me in a rubber room if that happens. 😦

So…that brings me to my never-ending quest to find a starting spot and STICK TO THE FUCKING THING!

I’m a self-starter and hate being told what to do.  HATE IT.  But in this instance I NEED someone to tell me where to start and what to do next.  And I *hate* that I need it.  I am a stubborn “I’ll do it myself” pain-in-the-ass.  Seriously.  Stubborn gets me hurt (more than just physically).  And I hate having to ask for help.  It was hard going to the doctor to ask for help.  I hate taking meds.  Resent that I need them.  But I do need them, I wasn’t able to “fix” myself.  Apparently, there are some chemicals in my brain that are fucked. up.  Damn it >.<

I am one GIANT condradiction.  Which doesn’t help the situation.  I *know* this.  Why can’t I FIX it?!

Gaining Control

Wow!  It’s been two months since I last posted.  OVER two months.

My bad.

It’s hard to come up with things to write about, but it’s not like I have a fan-base here.  This is 100% for me.  Those others who read and comment are just a bonus.

Anywho…

The last few months have been jam-packed.  My Peanut turned 13 in February.  THIRTEEN!  I am officially the mom of a teenager.  WTF?!  LOL  However, he’s a REALLY good kid, so I can’t say I’m dreading the teens too much. 

After THAT milestone, we moved forward to adopt a rescue dog. 

Mona's Home!

Mona is a full bred German Shepherd Dog (seriously, that’s their “official” name).  She is absolutely wonderful and we love her tons!

Mona and Peanut

The first night we had her, she spent the whole night checking on my boys (I had my nephew that day too).  Would get up, check on them and then go lay back down.  All.  Night.  She’s still skittish, but she’s getting braver, gaining weight and playing.  She’s an absolute joy.  :-)In some sad news, we had to send our kitty, Flash, to live with my sister and nephew.  He was getting beat up by the bully (Tiger) and was terrified of the dog.  He rarely came out of the basement.  My nephew’s cat (Jackson) had recently died and Jackson’s sister, Miley, was sad and lonely.  Flash just happened to be their sibling, so it was a win-win arrangement.  My nephew wound up with a super loveable fuzzball and Flash had a new, stress-free home 🙂  We miss him terribly, but being good parents, we knew he had to be in a calmer environment (didn’t hurt that we can visit him whenever :-p)

I celebrated my 39th birthday.  It was a very nice time.  I missed my mom tho.  However, I DID have a card from her.  She apparently had shopped for it over the summer and stashed it.  My sister found it while going through papers.  It was seriously cool (although, I have my suspicions that my sister actually got the card and made up the story, but I’ll choose to believe the story 😉

Went on a crafting weekend with my Bitches.  LOL  We had a great time and I got quite a few pages done (scrapbooking).  I’m quite enamored with them and am proud of my accomplishments.

Last weekend was 6 months that my mother has been gone.  😦  It seems like forever and yesterday.  I miss her so much it’s painful.  She didn’t get to see her first grandchild become a teenager.  She didn’t get to hear about the lovely, lovely compliments I get from Peanut’s homeroom/Language Arts teacher.  She didn’t get to meet Mona (or slap me in the head for getting yet ANOTHER pet).  There’s a hole that I don’t know how to fill.  I know it will never heal, but the edges are still raw and the scab has yet to begin forming.  *sigh*  It’s gonna be a long road.

Which leads me to the fact that we’re seriously beginning to empty her house and prepare her “estate”.  It’s frustrating, heart-wrenching and ridiculous all at the same time.  We’ve giggled.  We’ve cried (well, *I* did) and we’ve fought.  The fighting I could do without, tyvm!  Siblings are fun…sometimes.

I’ve been seeing a therapist since the month after my mom died as well as taking some medications.  We’ve tweaked the meds a bit, but have discovered the original plan seems to work best for me (went from Celexa to Welbutrin, back to Celexa).  I have sleep issues, but the Welbutrin wasn’t helping with my short fuse.  The Celexa allows me to just let things “roll off”, but I still have a “normal” range of emotions.  I’m also on Lamictal (because I’m apparently bi-polar…not really hard to swallow, but kinda hard to admit).  Also taking 1000 mg of Vitamin D (because I was pretty deficient).  Have yet to buy more of my multivitamin, but I’m getting there.

Back to therapy.  It’s been helpful, but I seem to ramble on about everything and nothing and my choo-choo jumps tracks about fifty’leven times.  This, among other things/habits, makes my therapist think I may have ADD.  There’s also a possibility that I have a twinge of OCD.  Now, I’ve been joking for years that I have ADD/OCD, but I was just joking.  Apparently, I just might really have them.  Have to talk to my doc and see what she says/suggests.  Yet another thing to remember to talk about.

I have to talk to my doc about the pain in my hip (yoinked it over the weekend).  Sometimes it paralyses me (especially when I’m prone) and hurts like the dickens!  I’ve also discovered a lump on my right foot.  It’s hard, but not particularly painful, so I shall have to get that checked out too.

On top of all this, I’ve made a complete and utter mess of my finances.  I chalk that up to the med changes and stupidity.  Yet again, I have to maniacly play games to fix everything.

It’s so much fun being me!

Sometimes…

Holding Pattern

Everything’s in a holding pattern.

Just received my mother’s ashes yesterday (her birthday, can you smell the irony?)

Called and scheduled the memorial service.  And not 30 mins later, my sister wants me to call and try to REschedule it, because 10 am is too early.

Um, excuse me?

I don’t fucking care!  People have distance to travel.  Too fucking bad.  I just want this over.  I want closure. 

I want to fucking grieve already.  Everyone else can go to hell.

I haven’t been able to cry because it upsets my son.

However, he keeps making comments that he never sees me “really smile” anymore.

Well, it’s kinda hard! 

I don’t WANT to cry.

I don’t WANT to hurt.

I don’t WANT to do any-fucking-thing.

And we haven’t even STARTED going through her house/estate. 

It’s hard to work, schedule [school] activities AND do all this.

My sister pretty much lost her job because of it.  I keep losing pay, because I have to take time off without pay.  But my brothers, both of whom do not work outside the home, do next to nothing.  My one brother’s WIFE has been helping us…and they have a 2 year old! (and SHE works outside of the home)…

I’m getting pissier and pissier the more time goes by.  And that’s SO disrespectful to my mother’s memory.

And I’m not even sure how to task out everything or break it down.

Obviously, I need help and I’ve “scheduled it”.

Now, to just make it that far…

Touched By An Angel

***WARNING: This is a long, convoluted post, but there IS a point, so bear with me***

Jacob is a military junkie.  Specifically, WWII.  Seriously, one of the maybe 5 channels he watches on TV is the Military History Channel.  Anything on WWII and the war in Iraq. 

It’s a bit of an obsession.

For MONTHS he’s been begging me to let him see the move Flags of Our Fathers.  I’m not adverse to it, per-se, but it IS emotional and gory, and well, it’s a war movie.  BUT the kid has a zombie obsession at the moment too, and I don’t think there’s much more gory than a zombie munch-fest, so I’ve been telling him that we’ll watch the movie “next Mommy  & Jacob Night”. 

Well…we’ve had SEVERAL M&JNs and still haven’t watched the movie.  We were actually going to watch it this past M&JN but it wasn’t on demand!  How rude!

Coincidentally, this was the same night he had his emotional breakdown that sent us both into a mini tailspin.

Friday he went to school (because he needed to be surrounded by friends) and I went to work, because I’m a masochist and who doesn’t like being at work when their world’s falling apart?

Seriously, I went to get some work crap done, but to mainly use the telephone.  I started early and I started with Jake’s school counselor and his pediatrician.  I used the internet to do a therapy search, to have a list of therapists covered by my insurance.  But what I really wanted was Jake’s counselor to call me back.  To be honest, I wasn’t all that thrilled with her at the beginning of last year, but she really, really outdid herself with all of Jake’s post-surgical issues and his placements for this school year, so I *REALLY* wanted her help with Jake on this.

I basically stalked the poor woman.  Called, emailed, called again, had people look for her.

We FINALLY connected and I was able to get an appointment that day.  I flew out of the office (notifying my “chain of command” as to what was up, that I was leaving and kiss my ass…thankfully, I have a GREAT boss and he basically said to me “who gives a shit about your time, go make sure your son is ok.”  I’ve never had more respect for the man.  My old boss?  Yeah, he can jump off the planet any time now…).

Anyway, I saw Mrs. L and we discussed the meltdown, the losses and the lingering feelings of abandonment from his surgeries.  We then called Jacob down to her office and let him know what we had been discussing and what we would like to do, if he was willing.  While not happy that I’d “called the school”, he DID want help and we mapped out a plan.  We were both happy.  I left with a lighter heart, my beautiful boy (because the soccer game had been canceled) and a list of potential places to help us.

Due to the canceled soccer game and early “dismissal”, we were able to arrange an earlier drop off time with his dad (his dad actually had the day off and was not only coming down to pick him up, he had planned to actually go to Jake’s soccer game – a HUGE first!  Sadly, the game was canceled, but they were able to start a much-needed Daddy Weekend early).

We decided to meet at Barnes & Noble.  It was still in the same area as our normal meeting place, but it offered me the opportunity to try to find some books on death, loss and grieving for Jake.  He’s not much of a reader, but I figured the books would be good for BOTH of us to read, together.

So, there I am, on the floor in the teen section (remember my blown back?) gritting my teeth and digging through every. damn. book. on the last two shelves. 

Chicken Soup for the Pre-Teen Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Chicken Soup for the Pre-Teen Soul III (what the hell happened to “II”??), Seven Habits for Highly Effective Teens…books on what’s going on with his body and yes, it’s normal.  You get the idea.

I picked up the Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, because the pre-teen one was just a tad too young for him and the teenage one had a specific section on death, loss and grief.  I also picked up the Seven Habits book because, let’s face it, the kid needs help in that area too.

But all the while I’m searching this section, I’m touching EVERY book.  I didn’t want to miss an opportunity to help him.

Would you believe, as I was touching and reading every title, I pulled out a small paperback.  All by it’s lonesome.  In between a book about a girl losing both her parents in an auto accident and a book about body changes.

FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS

Ok, Mom.  I heard you.

I walked out of there with 4 books:  Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul Teens Talk Tough Times, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens Personal Workbook and Flags of Our Fathers.

Mar-Mar was there to guide me on Friday. 

She may have died, but she’s so not gone.

Grief Sucks

Jacob and I have been blown and battered around in this last year.

With his multiple surgeries to fix problems with his feet, that caused some isolation issues for him (he had barely any friends come to see him/play with him at all :-/).  My aunt (his primary [live-in] babysitter) died 2 WEEKS (to the day) before his birthday.   And my mom died 8 MONTHS (to the day) after my aunt.

Needless to day, his complete meltdown on Thursday was NOT unexpected (but clearly long overdue).  Obviously, I melted down right along with him.

I made it my mission to get him help (he literally asked for it.  Nearly begged).  At first, he just wanted to talk to me.  I have no issues with that, but with the grief we’re both feeling, I felt I was ill-equiped to help him the way I should.  So I enlisted the help of his school guidance counselor and have called an outside agency for counseling.  I feel like I waited too long (since my aunt died in February), but was told that most kids aren’t “ready” to discuss grief until many months later.  It’s quite possible he would have held on a few more months if my mom hadn’t just died.

Sucky, sucky year.

Our emotional well-being isn’t the only thing suffering.  I’ve now got physical symptoms, wrenched my back last week and could barely walk, so add that NO bereavement time and near crippling pain, I was a gimping wreck…home and at work…no wonder the kid lost it.  He was so afraid that I was going to get sick and die or leave him or just not be me. 😦

And I’m NOT me.  My house has gone to shit.  I’ve never been a “neat freak”, but I am an organizational junkie and WAS keeping the house fairly clean (if still cluttered).  I’ve lost weight, which needs to be done, but I haven’t been going about it in a healthy way (I’m just not hungry, so I don’t eat.  Yes, I know that’s a sign of depression as is the disasterous state of my house, which is why *I* will be getting help to.  I can’t help my son, if I’m not me.  And that’s just completely unacceptable).

Jacob has an appointment to start counseling on Wednesday (provided his father signs and faxes all the paperwork…sigh, custody crap is a pain in the ass).  I *think* I can start counseling at the same center, but want to get Jacob started first.

I will be calling my regular doctor to schedule a routine check up.  Start from the ground up.

I have been going to a chiropractor, since I threw my back out.  I can walk now, with almost no pain.  But going from sitting to standing  still causes me issues.

I’ve made a meal plan for today (just took something out of the freezer, but it’s a start).

Been trying to fill out the calendar with appointments and assignments.

Need to file some bills (to be paid/paid)

Laundry is caught up

I think we’ve both finally caught up with sleep (I pretty much slept the whole weekend, thank goodness he was with his dad…but even Jake has had sleeping issues.  So, even though I have ZERO time to take, we both stayed home today.  I probably should have done it last week, but I feel guilty taking the time off, even when it’s needed.  I’m an idiot.

There’s more that needs to be done.  Here.  Work and at my mother’s.

I’m not ready to go there yet.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be, but it has to be done.  So I will put on my big girl panties and deal.

I’m still scattered, and having a hard time figuring out where to start.  I’ve had that issue for a LONG time…but it has to stop.

I will make my lists, create my binders and put myself on autopilot until I can *think* again.

I’m happy that I’ve got Jake started down the right road. 

And for now, that has to be enough.

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