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Archive for the ‘pain’ Category

Kick in the Teeth

I woke up this morning feeling the same as always, tired, but here.  Got ready for work (nightmare of a process that involved going to the basement for clothes…in my underwear).

Anyway, I got to work.  After finishing my email, voicemail, inventory routine, I jumped on the net and checked FB and some blogs.  Nothing unusual.  Typical day.

One of my blogs sent me into a grief-filled tizzy.  I haven’t cried over the loss of my mom in a good long while.  I’ve been able to talk about her (sometimes in the present tense) and not feel that quick stab in the heart.

Until this morning.

That grief kicked me in the face this morning.  It hasn’t even been a year yet, so I know I’m still raw and sensitive, but Jeebus Crisco!  WTF?!

I miss my mom today.  I miss her everyday, but today…I’m just raw.

I hate feeling raw.  Like road rash on my heart.  You feel the burn, feel the pain, but the size of the rash is too big for a bandaid.  Too big for gauze.  You have to leave it open and raw.  And tread carefully.  Hitting that rash could hurt.

Someone just freakin sanded that rash for me.  Not on purpose, she doesn’t even know me.  But the scabs that had started to form have been picked and irritated and in some spots are bleeding.   😦

I know that rash will never completely heal.  I know that scar will be raised and purple for a good long while.  Scars are a part of living.  It will join the ones that are already there and welcome the new ones with hugs and comforting words. 

But today…today I wish my heart was smooth and beautiful.

SMDH

Well, Peanut was back to the doctor yesterday.

He’s been having some belly pains off-and-on for about 3-4 months now.  They’re on his left side, close to his belly button, but a little higher.

I’ve tried asking him he needed to poop/fart.  No.

Eat something that didn’t agree with him?  No (nothing that he hasn’t eaten a bazillion times before)

Issues with school/friends/classmates?  No.  School work was getting a little much, but not enough to make him anxious.  He *did* get anxious over the freaking PSSAs until I finally told him I didn’t care if he made pretty patterns with the circles.  It didn’t affect/effect? his grade, so I wasn’t going to worry about it and neither should she (apparently, “if you can look me in the eye and tell me that’s the best you could, then I’m ok with this grade” is applying pressure to him *sigh*)

So, no “psycho-sematic” reason for the belly pain.

Even thought maybe his allergies were causing the nausea and pain.  (post nasal drip is gross).  Gave him Zyrtec and he still woke up with pain.

So after reading a blog on the internet, I got a little scared and called the doctor.  They asked him all sorts of questions, thumped his belly, etc.  And determined that they couldn’t figure out anything but wanted to do some lab work.

Peanut was NOT happy upon hearing he’d have to give blood (I mean “if looks could kill” not happy – slight needle phobia…slight being a severe understatement).  We also had to get a stool sample kit.

Oh joy!

EW

I’ve done about 1/2 the samples, have to do 2 more and then take them back.  What a freakin (minor) nightmare.

He’s miserable.  I’m totally grossed out.  But we both want to know what’s going on.  If there’s nothing medically wrong, then I need to inform his therapist that he’s upset over something and my not be aware of what it is.  :-/

Ah, the joys of parenthood…

Gaining Control

Wow!  It’s been two months since I last posted.  OVER two months.

My bad.

It’s hard to come up with things to write about, but it’s not like I have a fan-base here.  This is 100% for me.  Those others who read and comment are just a bonus.

Anywho…

The last few months have been jam-packed.  My Peanut turned 13 in February.  THIRTEEN!  I am officially the mom of a teenager.  WTF?!  LOL  However, he’s a REALLY good kid, so I can’t say I’m dreading the teens too much. 

After THAT milestone, we moved forward to adopt a rescue dog. 

Mona's Home!

Mona is a full bred German Shepherd Dog (seriously, that’s their “official” name).  She is absolutely wonderful and we love her tons!

Mona and Peanut

The first night we had her, she spent the whole night checking on my boys (I had my nephew that day too).  Would get up, check on them and then go lay back down.  All.  Night.  She’s still skittish, but she’s getting braver, gaining weight and playing.  She’s an absolute joy.  :-)In some sad news, we had to send our kitty, Flash, to live with my sister and nephew.  He was getting beat up by the bully (Tiger) and was terrified of the dog.  He rarely came out of the basement.  My nephew’s cat (Jackson) had recently died and Jackson’s sister, Miley, was sad and lonely.  Flash just happened to be their sibling, so it was a win-win arrangement.  My nephew wound up with a super loveable fuzzball and Flash had a new, stress-free home 🙂  We miss him terribly, but being good parents, we knew he had to be in a calmer environment (didn’t hurt that we can visit him whenever :-p)

I celebrated my 39th birthday.  It was a very nice time.  I missed my mom tho.  However, I DID have a card from her.  She apparently had shopped for it over the summer and stashed it.  My sister found it while going through papers.  It was seriously cool (although, I have my suspicions that my sister actually got the card and made up the story, but I’ll choose to believe the story 😉

Went on a crafting weekend with my Bitches.  LOL  We had a great time and I got quite a few pages done (scrapbooking).  I’m quite enamored with them and am proud of my accomplishments.

Last weekend was 6 months that my mother has been gone.  😦  It seems like forever and yesterday.  I miss her so much it’s painful.  She didn’t get to see her first grandchild become a teenager.  She didn’t get to hear about the lovely, lovely compliments I get from Peanut’s homeroom/Language Arts teacher.  She didn’t get to meet Mona (or slap me in the head for getting yet ANOTHER pet).  There’s a hole that I don’t know how to fill.  I know it will never heal, but the edges are still raw and the scab has yet to begin forming.  *sigh*  It’s gonna be a long road.

Which leads me to the fact that we’re seriously beginning to empty her house and prepare her “estate”.  It’s frustrating, heart-wrenching and ridiculous all at the same time.  We’ve giggled.  We’ve cried (well, *I* did) and we’ve fought.  The fighting I could do without, tyvm!  Siblings are fun…sometimes.

I’ve been seeing a therapist since the month after my mom died as well as taking some medications.  We’ve tweaked the meds a bit, but have discovered the original plan seems to work best for me (went from Celexa to Welbutrin, back to Celexa).  I have sleep issues, but the Welbutrin wasn’t helping with my short fuse.  The Celexa allows me to just let things “roll off”, but I still have a “normal” range of emotions.  I’m also on Lamictal (because I’m apparently bi-polar…not really hard to swallow, but kinda hard to admit).  Also taking 1000 mg of Vitamin D (because I was pretty deficient).  Have yet to buy more of my multivitamin, but I’m getting there.

Back to therapy.  It’s been helpful, but I seem to ramble on about everything and nothing and my choo-choo jumps tracks about fifty’leven times.  This, among other things/habits, makes my therapist think I may have ADD.  There’s also a possibility that I have a twinge of OCD.  Now, I’ve been joking for years that I have ADD/OCD, but I was just joking.  Apparently, I just might really have them.  Have to talk to my doc and see what she says/suggests.  Yet another thing to remember to talk about.

I have to talk to my doc about the pain in my hip (yoinked it over the weekend).  Sometimes it paralyses me (especially when I’m prone) and hurts like the dickens!  I’ve also discovered a lump on my right foot.  It’s hard, but not particularly painful, so I shall have to get that checked out too.

On top of all this, I’ve made a complete and utter mess of my finances.  I chalk that up to the med changes and stupidity.  Yet again, I have to maniacly play games to fix everything.

It’s so much fun being me!

Sometimes…

Beauty and Pain

This was so beautiful it hurt.  And hit way too close to home…

Angel Song

Startled

People have been asking me how I’m feeling, since my mom’s passing.

It’s kind of hard to describe.

I mean, yes, there’s sadness.  Pervasive, take-your-breath-away, sadness.  Definitely anger.  There’s a disconnection and feeling adrift, but the best way I can describe it is:

Have you ever seen a swaddled baby?  They’re all nice and snug inside that little blanket.  Safe.  Comforted.  But unswaddle them too quickly, and you get the startle response.  Arms and legs flail.  They’re eyes get wide and they scream/cry.

THAT is how I feel.  No safety-net. 

I feel lost, adrift and disconnected.  No safe harbors.

And it blows.

Holding Pattern

Everything’s in a holding pattern.

Just received my mother’s ashes yesterday (her birthday, can you smell the irony?)

Called and scheduled the memorial service.  And not 30 mins later, my sister wants me to call and try to REschedule it, because 10 am is too early.

Um, excuse me?

I don’t fucking care!  People have distance to travel.  Too fucking bad.  I just want this over.  I want closure. 

I want to fucking grieve already.  Everyone else can go to hell.

I haven’t been able to cry because it upsets my son.

However, he keeps making comments that he never sees me “really smile” anymore.

Well, it’s kinda hard! 

I don’t WANT to cry.

I don’t WANT to hurt.

I don’t WANT to do any-fucking-thing.

And we haven’t even STARTED going through her house/estate. 

It’s hard to work, schedule [school] activities AND do all this.

My sister pretty much lost her job because of it.  I keep losing pay, because I have to take time off without pay.  But my brothers, both of whom do not work outside the home, do next to nothing.  My one brother’s WIFE has been helping us…and they have a 2 year old! (and SHE works outside of the home)…

I’m getting pissier and pissier the more time goes by.  And that’s SO disrespectful to my mother’s memory.

And I’m not even sure how to task out everything or break it down.

Obviously, I need help and I’ve “scheduled it”.

Now, to just make it that far…

Touched By An Angel

***WARNING: This is a long, convoluted post, but there IS a point, so bear with me***

Jacob is a military junkie.  Specifically, WWII.  Seriously, one of the maybe 5 channels he watches on TV is the Military History Channel.  Anything on WWII and the war in Iraq. 

It’s a bit of an obsession.

For MONTHS he’s been begging me to let him see the move Flags of Our Fathers.  I’m not adverse to it, per-se, but it IS emotional and gory, and well, it’s a war movie.  BUT the kid has a zombie obsession at the moment too, and I don’t think there’s much more gory than a zombie munch-fest, so I’ve been telling him that we’ll watch the movie “next Mommy  & Jacob Night”. 

Well…we’ve had SEVERAL M&JNs and still haven’t watched the movie.  We were actually going to watch it this past M&JN but it wasn’t on demand!  How rude!

Coincidentally, this was the same night he had his emotional breakdown that sent us both into a mini tailspin.

Friday he went to school (because he needed to be surrounded by friends) and I went to work, because I’m a masochist and who doesn’t like being at work when their world’s falling apart?

Seriously, I went to get some work crap done, but to mainly use the telephone.  I started early and I started with Jake’s school counselor and his pediatrician.  I used the internet to do a therapy search, to have a list of therapists covered by my insurance.  But what I really wanted was Jake’s counselor to call me back.  To be honest, I wasn’t all that thrilled with her at the beginning of last year, but she really, really outdid herself with all of Jake’s post-surgical issues and his placements for this school year, so I *REALLY* wanted her help with Jake on this.

I basically stalked the poor woman.  Called, emailed, called again, had people look for her.

We FINALLY connected and I was able to get an appointment that day.  I flew out of the office (notifying my “chain of command” as to what was up, that I was leaving and kiss my ass…thankfully, I have a GREAT boss and he basically said to me “who gives a shit about your time, go make sure your son is ok.”  I’ve never had more respect for the man.  My old boss?  Yeah, he can jump off the planet any time now…).

Anyway, I saw Mrs. L and we discussed the meltdown, the losses and the lingering feelings of abandonment from his surgeries.  We then called Jacob down to her office and let him know what we had been discussing and what we would like to do, if he was willing.  While not happy that I’d “called the school”, he DID want help and we mapped out a plan.  We were both happy.  I left with a lighter heart, my beautiful boy (because the soccer game had been canceled) and a list of potential places to help us.

Due to the canceled soccer game and early “dismissal”, we were able to arrange an earlier drop off time with his dad (his dad actually had the day off and was not only coming down to pick him up, he had planned to actually go to Jake’s soccer game – a HUGE first!  Sadly, the game was canceled, but they were able to start a much-needed Daddy Weekend early).

We decided to meet at Barnes & Noble.  It was still in the same area as our normal meeting place, but it offered me the opportunity to try to find some books on death, loss and grieving for Jake.  He’s not much of a reader, but I figured the books would be good for BOTH of us to read, together.

So, there I am, on the floor in the teen section (remember my blown back?) gritting my teeth and digging through every. damn. book. on the last two shelves. 

Chicken Soup for the Pre-Teen Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Chicken Soup for the Pre-Teen Soul III (what the hell happened to “II”??), Seven Habits for Highly Effective Teens…books on what’s going on with his body and yes, it’s normal.  You get the idea.

I picked up the Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, because the pre-teen one was just a tad too young for him and the teenage one had a specific section on death, loss and grief.  I also picked up the Seven Habits book because, let’s face it, the kid needs help in that area too.

But all the while I’m searching this section, I’m touching EVERY book.  I didn’t want to miss an opportunity to help him.

Would you believe, as I was touching and reading every title, I pulled out a small paperback.  All by it’s lonesome.  In between a book about a girl losing both her parents in an auto accident and a book about body changes.

FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS

Ok, Mom.  I heard you.

I walked out of there with 4 books:  Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul Teens Talk Tough Times, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens Personal Workbook and Flags of Our Fathers.

Mar-Mar was there to guide me on Friday. 

She may have died, but she’s so not gone.

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