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Archive for the ‘Confessions’ Category

Can’t……….Focus………..

I have so much swirling around in my head.  And it feels like it’s all smoke and mirrors because I can’t “catch” any one thought.  If I can’t catch the thought, I can’t FINISH the thought and then put into action my perceived solution. 

And it’s driving me bat-shit crazy!!!

And because I’m bat-shit crazy, I’m being a passive-aggressive bitch to MY FRIENDS.  Friends that don’t deserve even half the shit I’m doing. 

*sigh*

I just can’t focus.  Can’t pick ONE thing on my list of “Oh shit, now I have THIS to do???”.  Anytime I do start somewhere, I inevitably fall into another member on the list, and my focus shifts there.  It’s perpetual and frustrating. 

I haven’t been formally diagnosed with ADD, so I have no idea if there are meds out there to help me, but the meds I’m currently on (which are keeping my mood swings in check, believe it or not) are already causing me more sleep issues than I’d previously had.  I’m afraid more meds would just exacerbate the problem, and they’ll be sticking me in a rubber room if that happens. 😦

So…that brings me to my never-ending quest to find a starting spot and STICK TO THE FUCKING THING!

I’m a self-starter and hate being told what to do.  HATE IT.  But in this instance I NEED someone to tell me where to start and what to do next.  And I *hate* that I need it.  I am a stubborn “I’ll do it myself” pain-in-the-ass.  Seriously.  Stubborn gets me hurt (more than just physically).  And I hate having to ask for help.  It was hard going to the doctor to ask for help.  I hate taking meds.  Resent that I need them.  But I do need them, I wasn’t able to “fix” myself.  Apparently, there are some chemicals in my brain that are fucked. up.  Damn it >.<

I am one GIANT condradiction.  Which doesn’t help the situation.  I *know* this.  Why can’t I FIX it?!

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Gaining Control

Wow!  It’s been two months since I last posted.  OVER two months.

My bad.

It’s hard to come up with things to write about, but it’s not like I have a fan-base here.  This is 100% for me.  Those others who read and comment are just a bonus.

Anywho…

The last few months have been jam-packed.  My Peanut turned 13 in February.  THIRTEEN!  I am officially the mom of a teenager.  WTF?!  LOL  However, he’s a REALLY good kid, so I can’t say I’m dreading the teens too much. 

After THAT milestone, we moved forward to adopt a rescue dog. 

Mona's Home!

Mona is a full bred German Shepherd Dog (seriously, that’s their “official” name).  She is absolutely wonderful and we love her tons!

Mona and Peanut

The first night we had her, she spent the whole night checking on my boys (I had my nephew that day too).  Would get up, check on them and then go lay back down.  All.  Night.  She’s still skittish, but she’s getting braver, gaining weight and playing.  She’s an absolute joy.  :-)In some sad news, we had to send our kitty, Flash, to live with my sister and nephew.  He was getting beat up by the bully (Tiger) and was terrified of the dog.  He rarely came out of the basement.  My nephew’s cat (Jackson) had recently died and Jackson’s sister, Miley, was sad and lonely.  Flash just happened to be their sibling, so it was a win-win arrangement.  My nephew wound up with a super loveable fuzzball and Flash had a new, stress-free home 🙂  We miss him terribly, but being good parents, we knew he had to be in a calmer environment (didn’t hurt that we can visit him whenever :-p)

I celebrated my 39th birthday.  It was a very nice time.  I missed my mom tho.  However, I DID have a card from her.  She apparently had shopped for it over the summer and stashed it.  My sister found it while going through papers.  It was seriously cool (although, I have my suspicions that my sister actually got the card and made up the story, but I’ll choose to believe the story 😉

Went on a crafting weekend with my Bitches.  LOL  We had a great time and I got quite a few pages done (scrapbooking).  I’m quite enamored with them and am proud of my accomplishments.

Last weekend was 6 months that my mother has been gone.  😦  It seems like forever and yesterday.  I miss her so much it’s painful.  She didn’t get to see her first grandchild become a teenager.  She didn’t get to hear about the lovely, lovely compliments I get from Peanut’s homeroom/Language Arts teacher.  She didn’t get to meet Mona (or slap me in the head for getting yet ANOTHER pet).  There’s a hole that I don’t know how to fill.  I know it will never heal, but the edges are still raw and the scab has yet to begin forming.  *sigh*  It’s gonna be a long road.

Which leads me to the fact that we’re seriously beginning to empty her house and prepare her “estate”.  It’s frustrating, heart-wrenching and ridiculous all at the same time.  We’ve giggled.  We’ve cried (well, *I* did) and we’ve fought.  The fighting I could do without, tyvm!  Siblings are fun…sometimes.

I’ve been seeing a therapist since the month after my mom died as well as taking some medications.  We’ve tweaked the meds a bit, but have discovered the original plan seems to work best for me (went from Celexa to Welbutrin, back to Celexa).  I have sleep issues, but the Welbutrin wasn’t helping with my short fuse.  The Celexa allows me to just let things “roll off”, but I still have a “normal” range of emotions.  I’m also on Lamictal (because I’m apparently bi-polar…not really hard to swallow, but kinda hard to admit).  Also taking 1000 mg of Vitamin D (because I was pretty deficient).  Have yet to buy more of my multivitamin, but I’m getting there.

Back to therapy.  It’s been helpful, but I seem to ramble on about everything and nothing and my choo-choo jumps tracks about fifty’leven times.  This, among other things/habits, makes my therapist think I may have ADD.  There’s also a possibility that I have a twinge of OCD.  Now, I’ve been joking for years that I have ADD/OCD, but I was just joking.  Apparently, I just might really have them.  Have to talk to my doc and see what she says/suggests.  Yet another thing to remember to talk about.

I have to talk to my doc about the pain in my hip (yoinked it over the weekend).  Sometimes it paralyses me (especially when I’m prone) and hurts like the dickens!  I’ve also discovered a lump on my right foot.  It’s hard, but not particularly painful, so I shall have to get that checked out too.

On top of all this, I’ve made a complete and utter mess of my finances.  I chalk that up to the med changes and stupidity.  Yet again, I have to maniacly play games to fix everything.

It’s so much fun being me!

Sometimes…

Confessions of a Dumb@$$ Facebooker

Ok, got 6 likes, so 6 confessions. Here goes…

Confession #1: I have a mild case of OCD. Don’t touch my sh*t! If something comes in multiple colors, I *have* to have one of each color. All my pens have to be capped with the tail part of the cap trailing down toward the brand lettering. Colors myst be in spectrum order. Files have to be in alphabetical order. I don’t care if it makes sense another way, they HAVE to be alphabetical. I *have* to make my bed every morning (although, nowadays, it doesn’t have to be perfect). I do chores in a certain order and on a certain day. If you mess with my schedule I have a coniption. Ok, maybe more of a not-quite-severe case of OCD (which should be CDO because THAT is alphabetical!)

Confession #2:  I apparently have ADD.  Ooooh, shiny! @.@  I always said I had adult-onset ADD and that I knew my attention span was that of a flea on speed, but I didn’t know I really DID have ADD.  Go figure.  ME, with ADD…

Confession #3:  I sucked my thumb until I was 22 years old.  Didn’t matter that I got picked on un-mercifully for it.  I would just make sure I did it where no one could see me.  Definitely an insecurity thing.  But, I had a GREAT boyfriend when I was 22 and was able to stop, cold turkey.

Confession #4:  I *like* being single.  I have a hard time sharing my stuff (including my son).  I don’t want to be bothered with having to ask for permission to do something or check-in with someone or consider someone else’s schedule/feelings/etc.  I am a selfish bitch and only my son gets to see the caring, I’ll-do-anything-for-you me.

Confession #5:  This is gonna blow your mind.  There are times I *wish* I had someone.  I know, right?  Just when I need a good hug or a good, manly shoulder to cry on.  This doesn’t happen often (well, NORMALLY it doesn’t, this year sucked), but when it does, I’m double-bummed and the depression is worse.

Confession #6:  I *love* *love* *love* stuffed animals.  I am such a child when it comes to that.  I have a REALLY hard time walking passed a display of beanie babies, teddy bears, etc. and NOT cuddling one, touching noses, squealing or just plain begging myself to buy one.  It’s a sad, pathetic addiction.  I even have like 2 or 3 on my Amazon wishlist.  Yes, I am pathetic.  Bite me.

And a bonus confession because I’m feeling generous…

Bonus Confession:  I have the sense of humor/maturity level of a 10-year old boy.  I think farts are funny (as long as they aren’t at the dinner table or OMG-I’m-gunna-die smelly).  I think burps are funny.  I can burp with the best of them (ask my son and his friend, E, about the burping contest.  I won).  I like playing with bb guns.  I like playing war.  I banter with my son calling him a “dork”, then he calls me a “fart-knocker”, I call him a “fart-sniffer”.  We think this is hilarious.  And you all do to, c’mon, admit it.  It feels good.  Just like a giant Pepsi burp…unless it goes up your nose…then those aren’t quite so fun.

And there you have it.  My confessions.  I hope you enjoyed (learned something new). 

😀

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