24 – ME

Ha, kinda funny that ME coincided with Xmas Eve.

I had a HARD time on Xmas Eve.  I’m not really sure why, but my grief and social anxiety were just on over-drive.  I sat and cried most of the day.  I did get the tree up, the stockings, wrapped gifts, cleaned my kitchen and living room and decorated just a little bit (I was hosting xmas dinner this year).

Got invited over to a neighbor’s house for their festivities (my son had been there all freakin day), but I couldn’t make myself go.  I was freakin TERRIFIED!  I was wondering around my kitchen, wiping down counters, crying and talking to myself, “I can’t!  I can’t!  I can’t!”  WTF?!

Obviously, even with medication, I’m not handling the holidays too well.  Been calling them “hellidays”.  I’ve never liked xmas, especially after the magic died (when Jake no longer believed in Santa).  This year, I just couldn’t focus on what I *did* have, only on what I’d lost.

Grief sucks ass.

Depression sucks ass.

Insomnia sucks ass.

All three together is a recipe for disaster…But I’m working on it.  And I’m trying really hard.  I need to get control back (I’m a control freak)…some days, I know exactly what to do and other days, I’m floundering so badly, it’s a wonder I can use the bathroom on my own.

Probably means a med adjustment (don’t get me started on that, feel like such a loser/wimp that I gave in to the meds, but they HAVE made a huge difference).

It’s coming up on Inny’s one year anniversary.  Can you believe it?  Her birthday is early January and then February 7th is one year that she’s been gone.  4 MONTHS that my mother’s been gone. 

I’m in hell and I can’t dig my way out.  My friends/family/loved ones are my light.  I keep trying to follow the light, but there are so many shadows to get lost in.  I just hope they keep shining those lights until I can find the exit…


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