Holding Pattern

Everything’s in a holding pattern.

Just received my mother’s ashes yesterday (her birthday, can you smell the irony?)

Called and scheduled the memorial service.  And not 30 mins later, my sister wants me to call and try to REschedule it, because 10 am is too early.

Um, excuse me?

I don’t fucking care!  People have distance to travel.  Too fucking bad.  I just want this over.  I want closure. 

I want to fucking grieve already.  Everyone else can go to hell.

I haven’t been able to cry because it upsets my son.

However, he keeps making comments that he never sees me “really smile” anymore.

Well, it’s kinda hard! 

I don’t WANT to cry.

I don’t WANT to hurt.

I don’t WANT to do any-fucking-thing.

And we haven’t even STARTED going through her house/estate. 

It’s hard to work, schedule [school] activities AND do all this.

My sister pretty much lost her job because of it.  I keep losing pay, because I have to take time off without pay.  But my brothers, both of whom do not work outside the home, do next to nothing.  My one brother’s WIFE has been helping us…and they have a 2 year old! (and SHE works outside of the home)…

I’m getting pissier and pissier the more time goes by.  And that’s SO disrespectful to my mother’s memory.

And I’m not even sure how to task out everything or break it down.

Obviously, I need help and I’ve “scheduled it”.

Now, to just make it that far…


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